Michele Bachmann

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Help the honorable Ms. Bachmann with her new proposal
I am Michele Bachmann and and my lawyer swears I'm not a
Michele Bachmann
is a Proud Republican Goddess
God Bless America
Millions of television viewers wished they could be Mrs. Bachmann as she grabbed The Greatest President Ever and sucked his face following his 2007 State of the Union Address
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Any of you who have members of your family that are in the lifestyle - we have a member of our family that is. This is not funny. It’s a very sad life. It's part of Satan, I think, to say this is gay. It's anything but gay.
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~ Mrs. Bachmann


Michele Bachmann is the Republican Representative of Minnesota's 6th congressional district. She has verified God selected her (really!) to succeed previous Republican Mark Kennedy, who vacated the seat after the rate of home foreclosures in his district rose dramatically. Like Norm Coleman, she's been sent to help the half Canadian, half liberal state of Minnesota regain its American, 1950s, Southern roots by instilling the values and vision of Ronald Reagan.

Contents

[edit] Family background

Bachmann was born Michele Amble and grew up in Anoka, Minnesota (a.k.a. Lake Woebegone). She is clearly the product of Intelligent Design, but her lack of blond hair makes it unclear whether she shares the pure genetic roots of Ann Coulter.

At the age of thirteen she became "financially independent". I.e., an orphan. She was accepted to the world-renowned Winona State College (now Winona State University), where God first contacted her and showed her a vision of her future husband, Marcus Bachmann, working on his family’s farm in Wisconsin. (A subsequent vision of her husband at a leather bar in Milwaukee was dismissed by Bachmann as “the work of Satan.”)

5 years years after her first child was born, Mrs. Bachmann decided to become a stay-at-home mom. She has taken in 23 foster children, all of them teenage girls because “there’s no safer place for a teenage girl to be than around Marcus.” She has no recollection whether they used any of them as baby sitters. This effort has in no way benefited the Bachmann family financially; they do it for love.

[edit] The Carter Mistake

Michele began dating Marcus Bachmann in 1976 when they were working together for the election of openly "born again Christian" Jimmy Carter. The couple later abandoned their support for Carter after discovering that he was a Democrat.

After Carter became President, Michele and Marcus attended the Christian documentary film “Fetus, Do Yo’ Stuff". Inspired by the film, the couple decided to become sidewalk counselors in an attempt to dissuade women from seeking abortions. They abandoned these efforts as “ineffectual” after picketing in her pumps made Michele's feet hurt.

[edit] Marriage, Law school, and Reagan

Michele married Marcus Bachmann in 1978 on his family's dairy farm where they lived and worked for awhile after their marriage. One morning while she was milking a cow, Jesus appeared to her at the bottom of the bucket and said to her: “Why art thou squirting me? Get thee to law school.”

She enrolled at Coburn School of Law, an affiliate of Oral Roberts University. Bachmann chose to attend Coburn’s unaccredited law school because it was built in accord with “God’s commission to Oral Roberts”, a televangelist.

In 1980 while attending Coburn, Bachmann joined the Republican campaign to elect Ronald Reagan, impressed by the candidate’s divorced status and his campaign promise to use illegal means to secretly arm terrorists. 6 years later (1986), Bachmann earned a Juris Doctor. After receiving another message from God, this time to study tax law - Mrs. Bachmann swears on her orphans — went on to earn a Legum Magistra degree.

[edit] Taxes

Mrs. Bachmann likes bills that have taxpayer and rights in them, provided the bill carefully defines what rights a taxpayer has so they can't use them to support bears or anything else gay.

From 1988 to 1993 in St. Paul, Minnesota, Bachmann became an Internal Revenue Service attorney, well known for their interest in and care for taxpayer rights.

[edit] Protesting Abortion

The arduous task of raising 5 biological children and 23 foster teenage girls revived Mrs. Bachmann’s interest in abortion. She and around 30 other abortion opponents protested a $3 million appropriation to build a county morgue at a local medical center. Bachmann reasoned that it was wrong for the state to tax her for a morgue at a medical center that also performed abortions because “the dead people to be stored at the proposed morgue would undoubtedly be pro-life.”

Mrs. Bachmann said in regard to abortions being legal in America that “in effect, since 1973, I have been a landlord of an abortion clinic, and I don’t like that distinction.” She is presently working on the legal grounds with Alberto Gonzales for stopping abortions based on "in effect dislike".

[edit] Charter Schools for Dummies

Despite what you may have heard
Michele Bachmann
Is totally not racist!

In 1993, Mrs. Bachmann joined with other parents of Stillwater Minnesota to open a K-12 charter school: The money the school received from public taxes went toward surging Christianity into the curriculum. New, improved courses included:

  • “The Bible’s Truth versus the Lies of Science”
  • “Geology: Our Six Thousand Year Old Earth”
  • “Why Do the Jews Continue To Reject Him?”
  • "12 Christian principles"
  • The Biology of Fetus Murdering
  • Beginning, intermediate, and advanced Creationism

In an attempt to keep the school, Mrs. Bachmann appeared before a concerned group of parents. She angrily attempted to “excommunicate them and all their sinful progeny”, but the Democrats had Clinton in the White House.

[edit] Opposition to "Profile of Learning" and "School-to-Work" policies

Bachmann began to have difficulty with the foster children placed in her care. She was often puzzled by the behaviors and attitudes exhibited by these teen girls (e.g. giggling whenever they were threatened with “a good old-fashioned ass whuppin’”). Bachmann finally concluded that their problems were the fault of the Public School system rather than due to any personal failings in her or any of the other individuals involved.

She began to speak out against public education, gaining attention with outspoken criticism of Minnesota's Profile of Learning and School-to-Work policies.

The Profile of Learning was a program of graduation standards in Minnesota. The program was controversial with local conservatives because it would have required students to show that they had actually learned something while at school. Bachmann and others also criticized the Profile for focusing "on attitudes, values and beliefs of students, and teaching controversial secular values like “don’t steal” and "put down that gun" as part of the regular school curriculum.

Bachmann also opposed Minnesota's School-to-Work program. School-to-Work was enacted so that Minnesota could get additional Federal funds by complying with the School To Work Opportunities Act passed by Congress in 1994, but Bachmann and other local education activists claimed that it was “a thinly disguised conspiracy by Federal government officials to indoctrinate our children with the principles of world socialism and fatten them up with publicly funded lunch programs so that they could later be taken away in black helicopters and sold as “human livestock” to hungry big-headed aliens operating out the basement of Area 51.”

[edit] Gaining support of Local Religious Conservative Think-Tank

Michele declares herself Representative!

Bachmann's opposition to the Profile and School To Work caught the attention of an organization called the Local Religious Conservative Think Tank (or LRCTT, pronounced “lur-k-tih-tih”.) Like Bachmann, the LRCTT advocates equal time for Intelligent Design creationism theory in the science classes and maintains that we will all have real pet dinosaurs when we get to heaven. LRCTT opposes gay marriage, saying: "Legalizing 'marriage' for homosexual couples will push the homosexual indoctrination agenda forward very far and very fast and this will ultimately lead to unsupervised dancing.”

LRCTT represented the feeling of many Christian social conservatives that public school education programs are in reality covert attacks on their faith, particularly the gym classes. At a seminar featuring Bachmann, a LRCTT director spoke of the federal education reforms passed by a Republican president and Congress as “a conspiracy against Christianity…Enemies of Christianity in the United States government are even now training our children to accept a future new one-world, globalized, politically correct society incompatible with our founders’ Christian worldview. They are replacing traditional education with federal indoctrination so that our kids will end up exported from this Earth to be the slaves of the secret technocracy who have built underground bases on the dark side of the moon—“ but then the men with the nets came in and got him again.

Throughout Bachmann's political career groups like LRCTT have been her strongest local supporters. Most of these groups have a tax-exempt status under 501c(4) & 501c(3) tax laws and many receive free medication. Bachmann for her part continues to direct anyone seeking her views on public education reform to LRCTT's website (http://www.theyrecomingtotakeusawayhahatheyrecomingtotakeusawayhohoheeheehaha.com)

[edit] Fighting The Public School Curriculum

Bachmann and her supporters believe that public schools are teaching an “anti-Christian” worldview. In particular she objected to the sex education curriculum and proposed an Abstinence Only approach that “discouraged masturbation on demand (except in cases where the life of the mother was in danger.)”

Bachmann also lobbied for introduction of Intelligent Design creationism into the state’s public school science curriculum to balance the lie of evolution. She argued that it was “impossible for dinosaurs who can sing and dance like Barney to have evolved through random chance.”

Bachmann regularly asserts that homosexuals are seeking to infiltrate public schools. “Our children are the prize for this community,” she warned. In support of her claim that homosexual values were being taught to elementary school children as part of the curriculum, Bachmann produced hidden camera videotape of a kindergarten teacher instructing her students to re-decorate the classroom and re-arrange its furniture.

Bachmann also made a high-profile attempt to remove a controversial children’s book from the elementary school reading list. The book, entitled “King and King,” purports to acquaint children with the concept of adult homosexuality by telling the story of two kings who get married. Though Bachmann’s attempt to ban the book was unsuccessful, she did manage to get some of the book’s more explicit sequels banned: “Two Kings and a Pair of Queens”, “Two Kings With Jacks to Open”, and the author’s condemnation of anti-homosexual violence, “A Straight Beats Two Kings.”

[edit] Running for School Board

In 1999 Bachmann made her first electoral bid, as a candidate for a seat on the School Board in Stillwater, Minnesota. The race was considered controversial because: 1) Bachmann and four other conservative candidates were endorsed by the GOP in what had always been a traditionally nonpartisan race, 2) Bachmann and other conservative candidates for School Board didn’t have any children attending public school in the district (preferring to home school or place their children in charter schools) 3) Bachmann and the other conservative candidates expressed open hatred for the public schools and everything they stand for.

Bachmann and the other candidates were defeated at the polls, but the race raised her political profile among her future “base” (pro-life creationist evangelical voters who fear that socialist homosexual imperial stormtroopers are coming to take away their handguns and sodomize them.)

[edit] Representing Minnesota's 6th

[edit] The Battle Against The Illegal Alien Trying To Steal Her Job!

Michele was able to hold off this assault on her innocence and seat!

Now, she hopes to spread her wealth of knowledge around in another committee!

You go Michele!

[edit] Hobbies

In addition to her autograph, photo, and video collection of The Greatest President EVER, Mrs. Bachmann enjoys kissing and grabbing him when they meet. She also just loves the music of Anita Bryant.

[edit] Family

  • Harrison Bachmann Unfortunately we have received the sad news that Harrison was recently kidnapped, brainwashed, and force to gay marry some dude. He is now a hardcore libural and terrorist agent. Michele was heartbroken and she was forced to disown him.

[edit] Bachmann for The Presidency

Michele Bachmann is Ready to be President in 2012! Awesome!

[edit] Other Great Michelles

By Decree & Power of Ballsiness
Michele Bachmann!
Shall Receive Lady Balls!

[edit] Pro-American Tubes

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