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Matthew McConaughey

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Matthew McConaughey
is Very Manly™.
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Like,
Matthew McConaughey
is a CELEBRITY! Oh. My. God.


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I don't care where you stable your pony, that's a thoroughbred.
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~ Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report May 7, 2007
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Hey scientists! Here's the real cause of "global warming."

Matthew McConaughey is an American actor and Stephen Colbert's sexy sexy brother.

He is so smokin' that the Manheat Locator reads his sexiness as a hotspot the size of Australia, and parts of New Zealand.

In 2005, McConaughey was elected People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" for 2006 in a landslide victory rivaled only by the ass-kicking the Republicans handed out in 1994.

In 2006, in a shocking turn, voting machine irregularities led to this red hot slab of man-meat losing what should have been his title for 2007 to the old man and liberal George Clooney. Clearly, Hollywood elitists rigged the outcome as America is too smart to change sexy horses in midstream. We're in a war, and this election was fixed. How dare you, you godless sodomites?

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Stay sexy, brother.
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~ Dr. Colbert
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His BodyEdit

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Wherever he goes, summer follows.

McConaughey is the choicest cut of man-flesh in the meat market. His body has been described as "Hottus Maximus." His cheek bones and his rock-hard abs could cut glass, so keep this delicious piece of man-candy away from your fine stemware (and your good bong).

Drug UseEdit

McCanaughey is a known user of marijuana. He was named High Times's #1 "Highest Bachelor," which he was able to achieve because he has no responsibilities. He also has no short-term memory, and no shirt (he smoked the shirt).

His drug use is the reason he is aimlessly drifting through life and is able to fulfill the Mantasy™, although he is not just doing this for himself, he is doing it for every man in America.

Acting CareerEdit

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Matthew McConaughey shared celluloid with Our Glorious Stephen in the classic romantic comedy, The Wedding Planner. Due to the collective hotness of its co-stars, during production the cameras and film canisters had to be cooled with liquid nitrogen in order to keep them from spontaneously combusting.

This section on Matthew McConaughey's acting is, of course, positioned in the order of its importance.

When one thinks of the finest thespians of all-time, in this universe or any other, one invariably thinks of Matthew McConaughey, one of the greatest American treasures gracing the silver screen today. By the mere brilliance of his manhood, Matthew McConaughey is able to raise any film from the depths of mediocrity and up into the heavenly pantheon that is the greatest artistic achievements of human civilization, such as Michelangelo's David or Beethoven's 9th Symphony.

The year? 1993. The setting? A small Texas town. The movie? Dazed and Confused. If you wish to see the most astonishing, the most magnificent performance in the history of the grand craft that is acting, a moment that is so utterly splendiferous that its very presence on this Earth proves the existence of God, you must immediately take yourself to a place of commerce where films are bought and sold and acquire a copy of the film Dazed and Confused. Watch it, relish it, love it, for it is utterly delightful.

In the film, McConaughey breaks type and explores his role as David Wooderson, a handsome high school dropout, slacker, stoner, and ladies man known to poetically exclaim such dialogue[1] as:

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You know what I love about these high school girls, man? They keep getting older and I stay the same age. Yes they do.
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~ Matthew McConaughey


There are no words to describe the sheer genius that McConaughey brings to the role. He so thoroughly embodies this fictional man that, in a supreme act of messianic self-sacrifice, the persona that is Matthew McConaughey dissolves, and the deepest, darkest humanity of the fictional man, David Wooderson, is captured for all eternity on a single, modest roll of film. For an all to brief moment, 2 hours amongst the continuum of almost infinite millenia that describe the universe, McConaughey transcends mere acting and displays the very essence of the inscrutable soul of man in all its flawed glory. By the stunning finale, we, his rapt audience, cannot help but to break down weeping, tears of joy streaming down our beatific faces as we cry out to the firmament, "Bravo!", for we have truly been taught the meaning of life.

FactoidsEdit

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  • His sexiness can be seen from outer space, and has widely been blamed for the failure of the heat shield on the space shuttle Columbia.
  • His heat can be felt on the fiery mantle of our Sun and may contribute to Global Climate Change.
  • Once turned down a threesome with a pair of sisters. His rationale? They weren't single and "you don't sleep with someone's lady because it will return and bite you in the ass." So true.
  • Doesn't like to "tongue down" in public.
  • Stephen has a tattoo of Matthew McConaughey on his chest.
  • Stephen ask potential employees of The Report if they think the above picture of Matthew McConaughey is hot or not. If they say the picture is hot, Stephen knows they are straight and comfortable with their sexuality. If they say the picture is not hot, Stephen knows they are covering up their gayness, and they are fired.

See AlsoEdit

NotesEdit

  1. Matthew McConaughey improvises all of lines in each one of his movies.

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