Manatees, also known as sea cows, are old and wise and know many tales of the sea. The scientific name, "manatee" roughly translates from the Spanish language as "the assholes of the sea." Similar to many old and wise Americans, manatees are morbidly obese and live along the coasts of Florida. Reports of a growing gay manatee population in Key West are unconfirmed
Despite the claims of most fear-mongering environmentalists, manatee habitats have grown significantly in the past 50 years. This is incredibly dangerous to the humans in surrounding areas and experts speculate that if nothing is done to stop their growth, (i.e. more motor boating, and or the re-legalization of harpoons) manatees will pose a threat to the survival of the human race - similar to a plague or jungle fever.
Dangers of the ManateeEdit
Manatees are born killers - their sleek, muscular, bodies make them natural predators. While researchers debate as to whether or not manatees are born douchebags or they just are raised that way by their parents, there are a number of widely accepted facts regarding this mysterious, and fucked up creature. These aquatic dealers of death are known to sprout wings at night and take joy in setting fire to human infants. Manatees are also considered to be the number one cause of cancer in the United States and South America. There have even been reports that they like to eat bald eagles for Thanksgiving and then blame the drop in bald eagle population on DDT. Much like Mike Tyson, manatees are mean drunks and also enjoy getting liquored up and beating their wives and children (unlike in human culture, their wives and children technically deserve it). Furthermore, manatees are known promoters of reading in all forms and hate television, some say that manatees invented reading in some maniacal plot to bring down America.
Manatees (see exhibit A)are known to consume massive quantities a wide variety of different things and consequently, are responsible for much of the world hunger problem today. Researches from around the world have developed a list of what manatees tend to consume - the list includes but is not limited to: unborn fetus', bald eagles, ethnic minorities, children of all ages, UNICEF workers, the occasional pirate hooker and rarely - lettuce, and during times of direr need have been seen eating their own kind.
A favorite game of the playful manatees is to ride in the wakes of boats, much like their smaller, slightly less homosexual dolphin cousins. A new public service announcement campaign in Florida urges boaters to “Save the Manatees…from Boredom!” by speeding up in manatee zones. This program aims to help manatee communities by providing an after-school activity for young manatees, as well as a much-needed exercise program for their parents.
Another favorite game of Manatees is to get twisted in nets and to try to get out. This is classified as a extreme sport.
Uses of ManateesEdit
The manatee carcass can be utilized for a number purposes. There are countless recipes for manatee meat, Body and flipper meat cuts are excellent choices for burgers, casseroles, ground meat, soups and stews. Peduncle and tail meat work well for roasts, steaks and barbecue. Regardless of which cut of meat you use, you will find manatee to be a very delicious and versatile meat. It is also low in fat, making it a great item for the calorie conscious person. In the wintertime, the skin of baby manatee pups make delightful boots for your children to wear. As a result of the fact that manatees excrete cyanide from their anus', these aquatic creatures are also a major supplier of poison to Russia, and a number of developing nations for the use of political assassinations and suppressing the general public.
Manatees in Popular CultureEdit
For unknown reasons, the popularity of manatees has increased greatly in the past century. Some theorists claim that manatees have gained control over the entertainment industry (see 2 girls 1 cup) as a means of enslaving the human race through mind control. Whatever the reason, manatees have reached cult status in popular culture around the world. The 2001 debut of "Planet of the Manatees" starring Mark Wahlberg was an eye opening documentary about what the manatees plan to do with the human race. However, the film never made it to the box offices for the reason that the FCC felt that images of manatees were to graphic to show to the American public so the producers of the film were forced to replace manatees with apes and change the setting.
Manatees throughout historyEdit
-500CE Manatees gain control over Mayan civilization, convincing them that ritualistic human sacrifice is a really good idea.
-1785 French manatee, Napolean Bonaparte attempts to dominate the Western world, but fails after picking up syphillis in Russia.
-1861 Angered over Abraham Lincoln's descision to abolish slavery, Manatees go to war with the Union - fearing the deterioration of their cotton plantation monopoly.
-1865 After being militarily dominated by the Northern Agression, manatees resort to assasinating Abraham Lincoln in a final attempt to re-establish their domination over the slave and cotton industries. Being incredibly homosexual animals, manatees decide to kill Abraham Lincoln in the gayest way possible during the time - at the theater.
-1914 Manatees ignite WWI after their assasination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand after a disagreement regarding the developing child porn industry.
-1937 Zer Hermanatee, Adolf Hitler had a strong dislike for everything Polish, and resultingly decided to invade Poland and thus started WWII.
-1947 in a period of political instability, manatees gain control over the Soviet Union. Since manatees hate freedom, they decided it would be best to start competition with the United States of America.This resulted in a number of conflicts across the world - specifically, the Korean and Vietnam wars, and is collectively known as the Cold War (cold like the hearts of manatees.)
-1963 John F. Kennedy is killed by an alcoholic, child raping manatee disguised as Lee Harvey Oswald.
-1997 Manatees begin targeting the region known as Darfur with the intention of selling its oil to the Chinese.
-Present day manatees have really become secretive about their douchebaggery and mainly work disguised as human douchebags. Among other things they rape children/ small woodland creatures and set fire to infants. Manatees enjoy holding KKK meetings, and are also responsible several NSYNC fan clubs in the Mid- West.Only to add to the dishonorable deeds manatees have been seen seducing Conan O'Brien on numerous occasions,even while at the doctors office. To add to this manatees all over have been "showing" themselves to anyone with a computer.(see link for proof.) http://www.hornymanatee.com/nurse.shtml