Malcolm X

From Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia

Mahmoud Ahmedi-Malcolm X-nejad is a terrorist.

Malcolm X angrily planning what he will next say or blow up in the name of Allah.

Malcolm X was the tenth gentleman to carry the title of Malcolm. He is probably the most famous of the Malcolms (with the possible exception of Malcolm VI).

[edit] Becoming Malcolm

As the apprentice to Malcolm IX, Al-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz dealt drugs and engaged in acts of narcoterrorism between his studies. His teacher was out SCUBA diving off the coast of Australia one day and ventured too far up into the water (remember, Australia is upside-down). Thus passed Malcolm IX, tragically drowning with an oxygen tank strapped to his back.

Showing the characteristic determination expected of the Malcolm, however, Malcolm IX managed to cut off his left arm while holding the sabre of Malcolm clutched tightly in his left hand and bleach it white before succumbing to depth sickness and drowningness. It is commonly believed that his passage of the left (liberal) limb on to his apprentice Al-Hajj was what swayed Malcolm X to evil. The arm and sabre washed up in a tide pool on the beach where Malik El-Shabazz was taking a break from snorting cocaine to pray to Allah. The devout young man spotted the grody relic of his master lying a few feet ahead and shattered Malcolm IX's old record for Most Vomits Emitted Upon Becoming Malcolm (for a black man who takes up the sabre automatically assumes the title of Malcolm) by upchucking ninety more times than his late master had when he became the Malcolm. He then had to have surgery to install an artificial throat, as his natural one had been lost along with every meal that he had eaten in the past month.

Ten months after becoming Malcolm X, the former Al-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz straightened out his life by abandoning his drug habits; two weeks later, he sold his last baggie of marijuana and moved to upstate New York, where he honed his abilities as a public speaker and duelist by speaking in front of audiences and practicing against commie POWs in a cave (sometimes both at the same time).

[edit] Memorable Achievements

Uhh...he fought for civil rights and killed 34 non-POWs during his tenure as Malcolm in the name of liberty and/or...well, that's for the next section to explain.

[edit] The Secret Life of Malcolm X

The tenth Malcolm also was the National Spokesman for the mysterious Nation of Islam and may have been a terrorist by night and a civil rights advocate by day, just like Jimmy Carter was (except he was actually a president by day, even though he sucked at it).

[edit] Possible Proof?

The name of Malcolm X prior to becoming the Malcolm was a silly Muslim name. In fact, Malcolm X was a practicing Muslim, thus lending further credence to the theory that he might have been a secret terrorist. If this is so, then the gaggle of people who assassinated him would be American heroes!

[edit] Then Again...

It seems like it would be a bad idea to retroactively designate convicted murderers "American heroes", so perhaps we could just let sleeping dogs lie? That is, until one of their children is elected President of the United States of America, at which time the topic can be reopened for debate, which would bode ill for the Nation of Islam. Just look at what happened to Iraq because of Saddam!

[edit] The Meccabury Tales

"Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote

The droghte of March hath perced to the roote

And bathed every veyne in swich licour,

Of which vertu engendred is the flour;

Whan Zephirus eek with his sweete breeth

Inspired hath in every holt and heeth

The tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne

Hath in the Ram his halfe cours yronne,

And smale foweles maken melodye,

That slepen al the nyght with open eye-

(So priketh hem Nature in hir corages);

Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages

And palmeres for to seken straunge strondes

To ferne halwes, kowthe in sondry londes;

And specially from every shires ende

Of Arablond, to Meccabury they wende,

The hooly blisful martir for to seke

That hem hath holpen, whan that they were seeke."

—Malcolm X in "The Meccabury Tales"

This original passage was excerpted from Malcolm X's bestselling epic poem, "The Meccabury Tales". He wrote it after his pilgrimage to Mecca, Saudi Arabia where Mohammad apparently told him that he should be a strict Islamofascist. This obviously supports the theory that Malcolm X was a terrorist.

[edit] Malcolm X and the Black Panthers

Throughout his life, Malcolm X was an avid fan of baseball. He drew upon his massive cash reserves as a leader of the wealthy Nation of Islam, which is probably an oil-rich emirate, to personally fund his favorite team, the Black Panthers. In the 1958 World Series, Malcolm X watched spellbound from the front row of the stands as the Panthers defeated their longtime rivals, the Tamil Tigers, in a 6-0 blowout. In an unfortunate twist of irony, though, the Panthers collapsed against the Detroit Tigers 2-4 in the next game. The Yankees went on to win the pennant despite Malcolm X's valiant effort to stop them. He famously threw himself in front of the last pitch of the last game to prevent Yogi Berra from cracking a home run, but his attempt to alter the course of history and avenge his team's defeat failed when the pitcher's curveball arced around his head, sparing the civil rights leader's life and giving Berra a clear shot at the inevitable Yankee victory. He let fly and the ball sailed straight out of Yankee Stadium and hit one of the World Trade Center towers (this was back when they still existed), giving the Yankees the pennant.

The Black Panthers were dissolved in 1970 along with The Beatles several years after Malcolm X's assassination, as the loss of cashflow from their deceased sponsor left them with pathetically little money to carry on with the game.

Malcolm X after being shot 23 times in the chest, arms, and legs but before the final two killing shots were fired into his head.

[edit] End of the Malcolms

Malcolm X had prepared for his possible murder. Like a true American, he obeyed the Second Amendment and purchased a gun, then took a picture of himself posing with it next to the window and put it on his MySpace.

While giving a speech in New York City, Malcolm X was rushed by several unidentified gunmen. Unfortunately for the civil rights advocate, he had left his gun at home and was unable to defend himself. He was shot 25 times, and after finishing his speech, he died en route to the hospital.

Because of the speed and force of his assassination and his lack of powerful ideas (because ideas are bulletproof), Malcolm X died before he was able to bestow the title of Malcolm onto one of his followers. As such, Malcolm X was the last Malcolm, just like Tom Cruise was the last samurai and Idi Amin was the last King of Scotland. It remains possible that the ages-old tradition of passing the sabre of Malcolm down by severing the arm, bleaching it white, and putting the hilt of the sabre into its closed fist may be declared obsolete or irrelevant at some later date and some enterprising young black American will take up arms as the eleventh Malcolm, but for now, Malcolm X is the last of his line.