Lord's Gym
From Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia
 Blessed are those that are strong of bicep, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
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| ~ The Holy Bible, Book of Ahnold |
We at the Lord's Gym follow the Gospels of Ahnold, a little-known Book of The Holy Bible discovered in an ancient gym bag in a cave upon the Dead Sea. The Gospels of Ahnold tells us that God begat his only son Jesus and sent him down to earth to train to be his spotter, as God wanted to rep out one million ass-to-the-grass squat thrusts with the weight of the entire universe on his back. In his time on Earth, Jesus revolutionized the world of physical fitness, and we here at Lord's Gym consider his Word, as set forth in the Gospels of Ahnold, to be our Workout Bible.
Contents |
[edit] Facilities
[edit] Exercises
| Do unto your spotter as you would have them do unto you.
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| ~ The Holy Bible, Book of Ahnold |
This section will walk you through one of our typical workout days[1]. These exercises are to be done using our patented Crucifier X-2000 Workout System® under the supervision of one or more of our accredited personal trainers.
[edit] Warmup
First, we'll have you warm up with some weight training and a light flogging, to prepare your body for the trials ahead. After this, your personal trainer will afix you with your own personal Crucifier X-2000 Workout System® and begin your walk through the various workout Stations.
[edit] Salvation Squats
Rest the cross-bar of the Crucifier X-2000 Workout System® on your upper back and shoulders. With your feet shoulder-width apart, bend at the knees into a squatting position. Using your thigh muscles, push your body back up into a standing position. DO NOT arch your lower back, or you will be flogged.
[edit] Calvary Crunch and Curl
After training to failure on the Salvation Squats, take the opportunity to turn water into wine and perform one of the most effective exercises described in the Book of Ahnold. When you find youself yourself exhausted under the crushing weight of the Crucifier X-2000 Workout System®, contract your abdominal muscles, crunch and hold. This will be extremely difficult, but your personal trainer will be assisting you with a motivational flogging. When you reach failure, drop the Crucifier X-2000 Workout System® and take a rest on the floor. Disregard any scourging you may be recieving at this point and recuperate. When rested, our spotter Barabas will help you curl the Crucifier X-2000 Workout System® back into starting position for another rep.
[edit] Pontius Pilates
You may have heard Madonna does pilates. But did you know The Madonna does pilates too? At the end of your weight-lifting, it's time for a
[edit] Rapture Rage!
| For My flesh is food indeed, and My blood is drink indeed. He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in Me, and I in him, and he shall be totally PUMPED!
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| ~ The Holy Bible, Book of Ahnold |
Are you a real, red blooded, train-till-you-puke, eat-egg whites-till-you're-blue-in-the face bodybuilder? Do you want the leanest, freakiest physique possible?[3] If so, you need to come and take communion at the Lord's Gym altar! The Lord's Gym Faith Healers, in association with the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative (BALCO) and Prescott Pharmaceuticals, have created the single most powerful fitness supplement in the history of man, which we have proudly named, Sacrament®. This product combines only the finest holy waters and snake oils from around the world, and each is blessed by a priest of no less than Bishop level.[4] Become a Rapture Rewards Club® Member and receive 10% during the week of any major Christian Holiday![5]
The Small Print
- ↑ Day of rest every Sunday!
- ↑ Now with 20% more peanuts!
- ↑ http://www.lordsgymfitness.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=MT0001
- ↑ Side Effects may include: acne, baldness, gynecomastia (bitch tits), rage, and testicular atrophy (shrinkage).
- ↑ A portion of the profits are donated directly to our ministry!
