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Abraham Lincoln (February 12, 1809 - April 15, 1865) was the 16th President of the United States of America and the first unicorn-AmericanEpisode #515 elected President. Lincoln is best known for his leadership during the Civil War and for issuing decrees that ended slavery in many slave-holding states, which would lay the foundation for the eventual abolition of slavery with the passage of the 14th Amendment. Abraham Lincoln frequently ranks high on many lists as one of the greatest presidents in United States and was voted Best American President On Earth in 2012. He was one of the founders of the Bear Hunters of America.
Early Life Edit
Lincoln was born in a one room log cabin in Kentucky in the year 1809. Which, when you really think about it, isn't that much of a surprise ... it WAS 1809 Kentucky! 1809 Kentucky was not the inbred, butt-raping, banjo-playing kind of place full of Democrats depicted in the film Deliverance, but was actually a haven for gutless and godless bears. The young Lincoln would spend a good portion of his early childhood wrestling with these beasts, until his family moved to Indiana; little did Lincoln know that his hatred of bears would ultimately lead to his demise.
Even though the term truthiness would not exist for another 200 years, Lincoln was one of its earliest champions. He was self-educated and was not concerned with facts pushed by the liberal media from back East; no, Lincoln trusted his gut, and by doing so he taught himself everything he needed to know.
Bear Hunting Edit
Abraham Lincoln eventually ran for public office as a Whig and was elected to the US House of Representatives from Illinois in 1846. He served just one term before returning to Illinois when hoardes of wild bears began to threaten his family farm in late 1849. Once back in Illinois, Abraham Lincoln launched a withering assault upon these brutes and was successful in eradicating nearly all of the bears from Illinois, while simultaneously learning law and building a successful legal career.
Legal Career Edit
Abraham Lincoln built a thriving law practice in Illinois from the late 1840s until the late 1850s when he again began to have aspirations for political office. He was a brilliant orator and he managed to successfully argue many legal cases. He was one of the first to successfully use judicial notice and he successfully shielded marriage in Illinois, beating back a liberal attempt to make gay marriage legal. Lincoln's legal prowess resulted in the Illinois Supreme Court ruling that marriage is between one man and one woman, or one man and two women, or on rare occasions, between one man and three women, but explicitly made it illegal for gay men to marry, but it was okay for lesbians to marry as long as there was only one man in the middle.
Rise of the Republican Party and the Election of 1860 Edit.
Because of Abraham Lincoln's anti-slavery views and gifted tongue, he was held in high regard by the Republican Party. He eventually won the party's nomination for President, and would go on to win a bitterly contested election for President of the United States.
Lincoln's election to this nation's highest office so rattled the South that before Lincoln even took the oath of office, several Southern states seceded from the Union. Like our current President, Lincoln found himself entering political office on the brink of war.
American Civil War Edit
As Lincoln took office, the seeds of the American Civil War were sown and Lincoln was in office for only a few weeks before Confederate troops attacked Fort Sumter and sparked a bitter war which would threaten the nation.
Initially the Union, led by Abraham Lincoln, lost many battles. However, Lincoln was a brilliant man, with big brass balls, and he eventually developed a strategy that would lead the Union to victory, without having to rely upon any wacky concepts like an exit strategy.
Lincoln used his gut to form a strategy that changed the war from a war to preserve the Union, to a war to end slavery. In 1862, Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation, which as initially called the F the South Proclamation, which essentially ended slavery in the Confederate States of America. Lincoln's decision to issue the proclamation was a strategic victory as it kept British drunkards and French surrender monkeys from entering the war as allies of the Confederates. The proclamation also was designed to damage the South's economy.
By 1863, the Confederates were in real trouble. Union troops had won important battles at Gettysburg and Vicksburg. With renewed vigor, Abraham Lincoln won re-election in 1864. It was discovered later that Vicksburg was named after dog lover Michael Vick.
End of War and Death Edit
General Lee finally surrendered to General Grant on April 9, 1865, thus ending the American Civil War. Victorious, Lincoln was relieved and started making plans to rebuild the former states of the Confederacy. On April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to see a play at Ford's Theater.Lincoln took his seat in the Presidential suite and upon opening up the Play Bill discovered that the play he was about to watch was Rent, the overtly gay play about homosexuals in New York. Lincoln was embarrassed and angry, but out of respect chose to stay until he could safely extricate himself during the intermission. However, during the third act of the play, the funniest line of the play "Don't know the manners of good society, eh? Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal; you sockdologizing old man-trap!" was said; Lincoln was laughing at this line when he was shot; Sarah Vowell, in her riveting and powerful Assassination Vacation, speaks about how, "it is a comfort of sorts to know that the bullet hit Lincoln mid-guffaw. Considering how the war had weighed on him, at least his last conscious moment was a hoot." A liberal bear lover named John Wilkes Booth, entered the presidental box and fired a pistol at point-blank range into the back of Lincoln's head, mortally wounding him. Booth managed to escape, but was later hunted down and turned into a throw rug. An Army doctor immediately assisted Lincoln. He found Lincoln unconscious, and barely breathing. Even after he was shot, there was still a smile on his lips. Katherine M. Evans, a young actress in the play, who was offstage when Lincoln was shot but rushed onstage after Booth's exit stated; "I looked and saw President Lincoln unconscious, his head dropping on his breast,his eyes closed, but with a smile still on his face" The doctor made an attempt to clear the blood clot, after which the President began to breathe more naturally. Lincoln was carried out of the theater to a nearby boardinghouse where Lincoln's secretary John Hay saw "a look of unspeakable peace came upon his worn features". Lincoln died on April 15, 1865. Or did he!?!?
Something To Think About Edit
- he cannot spin in his grave as his skull may be somewhere elseEpisode #489
- Lincoln was one of the earliest adopters of truthiness.
- If Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would watch hard core porn because his wife did not put out .
- Like Lincoln, Dr. Stephen Colbert will be remembered as one of the most influential Americans.
- Abraham Lincoln suspended Habeus Corpus and imprisoned nearly 18,000 people without charges and without trial during the American Civil War. Clearly our Greatest President has learned something from the first Republican President.
- Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy, and Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln. Dr. Stephen Colbert has secretaries named both Kennedy and Lincoln.
- Enjoyed freeing individuals in states, territories and countries not under the control of the Union.
- Hat actually hides his unicorn hornEpisode #515
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