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A lawyer (alternate pronunciation: Li-ar) is a person who has to do whatever you say, as long as you keep giving them money. If you do not, you will probably get sued. Lawyers are there to serve you. It is Un-American not to have a lawyer at your command, in case you want to sue Wendy's for that finger in your chili.

How Do Lawyers Get To Be Lawyers? Edit

Constitution

This doubles as toilet paper for many lawyers.


Lawyers are born, not made. Baby lawyers if they can pass this test, attend law school. At law school, they are taught to ignore the common foundations of decency upheld by our society. Over the course of three years, young lawyers slowly shed their human upbringing. They are then awarded a J.D. ("Juris Dickus"), This process occurs through constant contact with child molesters, murderers, homosexuals, business executives and other criminals. Lawyers come to see these people as legally and constitutionally correct peers & comrades.

Even though the "JD" is barely the equivalent of a Master's's degree, these grossly overpaid bottom feeders have the audacity to complain they are not referred to as "Dr.". Of course, lawyers are really taking umbrage because MDs are mistakenly referred to as "Dr." The former have 6 semesters of training; the latter 8 semesters. JDs take their fury out on MDs by suing them at every available opportunity.

Who Is Worse: Activist Judges or Lawyers? Edit

Activist judges are ruining this country. Activist judges are not constrained by the law. They are constrained only by their own thoughts, which are usually perverted and/or insane. Judges often get their insane ideas by associating with lawyers, who are paid to represent insane and/or perverted clients. Lawyers and activist judges are part of the same vicious cycle. Activist judges are probably worse, because lawyers can only change the law by blackmail, which takes more work.

Do Lawyers Have Any Official Organizations? Edit

Yes. Most lawyers who want to appear upstanding belong to the ABA, which stands for American Botox Association. Contrary to popular opinion, it is lawyers, not wrinkled people, who give the Botox industry most of its business. Botox allows lawyers to refrain from laughing while making their arguments, and enables the "straight faced" phenomenon typically observed in courtrooms. Frequently, lawyers who refuse to use Botox have been banned from the ABA. Under the Lawyers' Rules of (un)Ethical Conduct, laughing while presenting one's arguments is not considered ethical, because this prevents the speedy acceptance of ridiculous legal propositions. Judges are lawyers who have used the most Botox.

What Do lawyers Do in Their Free Time? Edit

None of their time is free. That will be $30/minute, chump.

In their "free time", male lawyers typically do legal research and write memoranda of law to their family members. Most male lawyers who have not been divorced occasionally make eye contact with their family members, although this practice is frowned upon and considered highly controversial. Male lawyers also watch pornography with judges. Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart has stated of pornography, "I know [and like] it when I see it." Female lawyers get to do the same shit every working woman has to do, including the dishes, dinner & wiping the little baby lawyers butts. This is why many female lawyers are unmarried and have no children.

What Is the Difference between a Lawyer and an Attorney? Edit

An attorney is simply what a lawyer calls himself, to try to hide the fact that he is a lawyer. Contrary to the popular wisdom of the (il)legal community, most people are not fooled by this so-called "clever" verbal trick.

As Shakespeare himself stated,

"that which we call a [lawyer] / By any other name would smell as [foul]."

What is the difference between a lawyer and the Attorney General of the United States of America?Edit

Nothing. Both have merely undergone 6 semesters of law school.

The real question is: Why do we continue to allow our country to be "led" by these narcissistic swine?

What Is a Legal Technicality? Edit

A legal technicality is a lawyer's best friend. A legal technicality is an allegedly constitutional mechanism through which a guilty person can be set free.

Why Are Lawyers Ugly? Edit

Most would-be lawyers who are remotely attractive decide to join the closely related, yet more morally and spiritually rewarding profession of prostitution. Some may have worked their way through school as strippers, which ages them prematurely.

They also known to get shot in the face. [1]

What the Hell Is It with Lawyers Writing Books?Edit

Many lawyers write books. They obviously do not need to supplement their already ridiculously inflated income, so there must be another reason. Since the literary quality of most lawyer-penned books is seriously wanting, the answers cannot be found in some hidden drive to wash away the grimy coat of lawyerliness in a purifying exfoliation ritual of artistic production. No, that's not it either. The thing with the lawyers and all the book writing probably has to do with some combination of A) the ugliness, B) the impotence and C) the arrogance. These three mixed together are sure to convince any lawyer that he can, and should - nay, must - write a book. Hoo-ha!

How Many Lawyers Does It Take To ... Edit

  • ... screw in a lightbulb?
How many can you afford?
  • What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor
  • You are in a room with a communist, a terrorist and a lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
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If you work hard, you'll get ahead as a
Lawyer

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