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John Travolta

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John Travolta
is Very Manly™.
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While you were still learning to spell your name,
I was being trained to conquer galaxies!
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~ John Travolta


John Gaylord Barbarino Travolta is a modern Renaissance man who dabbles in a number of Hollywood professions, the cult of $cientology, and Greco-Roman male wrestling.

John Travolta

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Birthplace Scientific Lab
Religion Xenu Hater
Education Learned at the right hand of Mr. Kotter
Occupation Flip-Flopper
Residence His own private Idaho
Spouse A Beard
Super Powers Fighting Xenu and wearing toupees
Fun Fact John is not a gay...at least according to his publicist.

Early Life Edit

John Travolta was constructed in a fertility clinic by a bunch of inebriated, mad scientists. Unfortunately, Travolta was mistakenly born created with no body hair and an antenna protruding from his head. Disturbed by the mess that they made, the scientists abandoned Travolta in the woods and opted to instead focus their time on more important junk like the internets. The story of his abandonment in the woods is widely believed to be the inspiration for the television series Welcome Back Kotter.

Some Bears found Travolta in the woods and decided to train him as one of their own. Thus, Travolta spent his formative years being raised trained by Bears.

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This closeup photo shows the high tech toupee that John Travolta's Bear family created for him to help conceal his strange past

Eventually, Travolta's Bear family decided that he should infiltrate his own kind to act as a spy for the Bears while also learning to terrorize Americans. First, the Bears ensured that Travolta learned to speak American by watching liberal news stories on television.

Second, the Bears created a toupee for Travolta to cover his bald head and antenna so that he would better fit in.

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A young John Travolta photographed during his terrorist training.

Finally, the Bears enrolled Travolta in James Buchanan High in Brooklyn, New York where he was instructed by known Communist Gabe Kotter. Kotter trained Travolta to be a terrorist. Of special note, while in high school, Travolta invented the "up your nose with a rubber hose" torture technique that later proved influential with Middle Eastern terrorists.

Travolta's hobbies in highschool included participating in 1950s school musicals and dancing at the local discotheque.

Eventually, well-versed in the terrorist arts, and bored with high school, Travolta left school early to embark on his professional career.

Professional CareerEdit

Rather than focus on terrorism, Travolta embarked on the Quixotic journey to discover his true self and ideal career. Notoriously, this search has led John Travolta to have many careers in Hollywood. One of his most famous careers was a hitman working for mob boss Marsellus Wallace. Among other careers, Travolta has also been employed as an "Urban Cowboy," and a cabbie / babysitter to a talking baby.

Because Travolta resides in Hollywood, it was only a matter of time before he began to feel obliged to publicly voice his opinions. Travolta has recently been speaking out against psychotropic medications in favor of permitting serial killers to run amok. In truthiness, Travolta's anti-medication agenda reflects his communist, anti-corporation agenda.


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"I still think that if you analyze most of the school shootings...It is psychotropic medications at the bottom of it."
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~ John Travolta


Travolta also believes that the spread of homosexuality can be prevented through the practice of a specialized $cientological suppression technique called "denial." Travolta continually publicly speaks in favor of this technique and points out how it helped him.


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"Even when a person has an accident or hurts themselves it’s just better to be quiet."
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~ John Travolta


Travolta's continual career changing and inability to hold onto a job is attributed to his flip flopping nature due to his lack of love for the Baby Jesus.

Personal LifeEdit

He sacrificed his son to scientology after he got sick by refusing to allow him to undergo any medical treatment, and not letting doctors get near him until he died

Hobbies and InterestsEdit

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Grease is the Wørd! Travolta plants a "platonic kiss" on a "friend"

John Travolta spends most of his free time with other male "friends" in Hollywood, including his best friend, Tom Cruise.


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"And I was 'C'mon, feel me, touch me!' I didn't care. I was just a slut, to be frank!"
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~ John Travolta[1]



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Travolta dancing during a typical Friday night out

Among other "manly" hobbies, Travolta and Cruise practice $cientology together. $cientology apparently requires Travolta and Cruise to attend many discreet meetings with other men. At these secret meetings, Travolta is known to engage in intense wrestling matches. Travolta has been the $cientology wrestling champion for five years running.

FamilyEdit

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Travolta and his "wife" get lei'd together for the first and only time

Travolta's "wife" is Kelly Preston. Preston was specially choosen for Travolta by Tom Cruise. Travolta and his wife were married in a traditional $cientology wedding ceremony.

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Travolta is photographed during a Gay Bear family reunion

In keeping with his Bear-training, Travolta encourages his "wife" to appear in as many photos with him as possible in an attempt to fit in with regular married folks.

A fierce observer of tradition, Travolta has two children who were made in the same manner as himself. Travolta has a daughter who is in the running to become the next $cientology princess, and another child who, according to the guidlines of $cientology, is never photographed, referred to, or permitted to leave the basement of Travolta's house. It is unknown whether Travolta intends for his children to eventually be trained by Bears as he was.





Attempts To Leave CultEdit

  • Sources say Travolta is desperate to free himself and all members of the greater world are asked to do everything in their power to help him.

FactoidsEdit

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  • Tom Cruise is the pitcher and John Travolta is the catcher for the $cientology "baseball team."
  • Travolta is on pace for breaking the record held by Elvis for most fried foods consumed during a lifetime.
  • Travolta's life-long dream is to be the "tight end" for Michael Vick.
  • Travolta and his wife are so ashamed of their son, because of his autism, that they virtually pretend he does not exist, and never bring him out in public. They were recently nominated for Parents of the year by the assholes institute].

NotesEdit

  1. http://ottawasun.com/Showbiz/OtherShowbiz/2007/07/05/4313978-sun.html

See AlsoEdit

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