Hillary "Ramrod" Clinton is the Secretary of State,and recently dropped out or suspended her campaign for President of the United States. She hasn't decided yet if she's dropped out or just "on hold".
She is the secret alien hybrid child of Eleanor Roosevelt and Elton John. The "Ramrod", as she is most commonly known, holds the record for the most ash trays, liquor bottles and cell phones thrown at Secret Service agents. She is currently busy flip flopping on her official name. The most recent report listed her as "Rodham Hillary Rodham Clinton Rodham Hamrod Rodham", or something like that. She is also a cry baby and a carpetbagger.
Hillary graduated with her law degree from the Cheatem, Swindle and Lyer School of Law in 1973. Finding it difficult to break into the higher law positions as women often found in the early 1970s, she decided to move to Arkansas, where the concept of law was still a novelty.
There she met the governor, William Clinton, and won him over with frequent gifts of McDonald's value meals and the occasional round of oral sex. She later discussed this with Barbara Walters on an episode of The View, and said that, being a lesbian, she found the situation difficult to swallow.
But her education has served her well. After all, the best way to destroy something is to first study it.
In her spare time Hillary enjoys emasculating her husband, eating puppies, and kicking babies. She also enjoys roaming deserted tropical islands where she tries to trick Bill into standing under a coconut tree long enough to have one fall on his head.
After marrying, Hillary kept her married name but their sole child, Chelsea Clinton, took her father's name. There is some dispute as to how Hillary Rodham Clinton got pregnant. In a later, tearful, interview during Bill's second run for President of the United States of America, Hillary theorized that she must have rolled over in bed and accidentally got semen on her genitalia, left over from Bill's earlier masturbation.
Mrs. Clinton is known for her fetching night mask and curlers which she wears when answering the phone at three in the morning.
Also, to keep her hair as curly as a Breck Girl, she tightens her hair around curlers until her scalp bleeds.
After Bill's second Presidential term ended, she moved her legal residence to New York in the hopes of becoming a temporary Senator so she could run for President herself. She failed marvelously with the aid of rabid über-liberals such as Nancy Pelosi and the administration of MoveOn.org and now has her eyes firmly set on VP so she can overhaul the national health care system to mimic the socialized medicine of Canada and France.
This has greatly angered Canadians as "Hillary-Care" could reduce profits from Americans going north of the border in search of decent medical treatment. Michael Moore, however, has reassured Canadians that his ever-expanding stomach alone will use up most of the "Hillary-Care" resources.
Legacy as First LadyEdit
"Hillary says she's the best presidential candidate for president because she has already spent eight years in the White House... So has the Pastry Chef..." - Frank Pate
Hillary garnered some controversy as First Lady, standing idly by as "her man" had "sexual relations" with one or two women. This virtual ignorance of her husband's serial liaisons pissed off many feminazi's and temporarily turned them against her. However, eight years of presidential perfection have apparently wiped their man-hating minds.
Worst candidate EVER?Edit
Hillary is often been named as the worst presidential candidate this country has ever seen. But that's harsh.. She frequently stated that being a woman makes her uniquely equipped to be a presidential candidate. However we could not find that a vagina was ever determined to be useful to a president other than as a cigar holder.
However it has been uncovered that having a vagina is useful to be a prostitute, and Hillary has done an excellent job illegally accepting money while having a vagina. (See Chinese citation below.)
Why Hillary Would have Made A Bad PresidentEdit
- Her face would frequently break cameras.
- The costs to accommodate her large thighs by enlarging all the doors in the White House could have funded the war in Iraq for another 4 years.
- She eats babies.
- Is already the President of Melissa Etheridge's fan club and the Lesbian Avengers.
Career As SecretaryEdit
Hillary is so hated by all righteous Americans that she has resorted to hiring look-a-likes to thwart assassination attempts. All the doubles are CIA-trained, some are women.
This page will be updated as more news as the blustering Communist Train rattles down the tracks to November, 2008.
- Hillary sabotages child vaccinations, saying her food supply shouldn't be pumped full of drugs.
- Hillary stiffs waitresses at a diner, and then has her campaign lie and say a $100 tip was left on a $57 bill. The truth is Hillary didn't pay because she didn't eat the food there, as she only eats puppies.
- Hillary involved in lesbian affair with a campaign worker. Gives her aide a "tongue lashing" when called to the "carpet". She apparently has good taste in women.
- Hillary cares too much about the little people, just ask her.
- Chinese people anonymously make illegal donations to her campaign. She claims "it's just how the Chinese people say hello! It means nothing!"
- Hillary wants to do away with the Electoral College because they have such a low graduation rate.
- Hillary is permanently menstruating.
- If you were to chop off her head, she would still come crawling after youEpisode #365
- Used the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson, who obviously botched both her and MJ's procedures.
- After every caucus Hillary eats a deep fried baby with sauerkraut. Her insatiable appetite has resulted in numerous missing babies in various swing states. In the event of her campaign staff being unable to procure a tasty baby, Hillary will reluctantly eat an endangered species.
- Even New Yorkers think Hillary sucks.
- ↑ Pick a name lady, we're at war!
- ↑ Wait... Canadians can be angered?!
- ↑ Dolly Kyle Browning, Marsha Scott, Belinda Stronach, Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, etc., etc.
- ↑ What about... umm... Jimmy Carter?
- ↑ Some people believe Bill is behind this endeavor.
- ↑ Lucky she hasn't noticed Alabama's education system, or they'd be toast!