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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is the 7th and final installment in the ridiculously popular and deeply evil Harry Potter book series by J.K. Rowling. The book, unleashed upon America's planet on July 21, 2007, is notable both for the enormous sales and the intense security that lead up to its release, as well as the fact that the publication of this book ushers in the coming Apocalypse.

Prepare for the Rapture, All Ye SinnersEdit

He who has ears, let him hear:

The Lord Our God has declared his intentions clear. The release of the 7th and final Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, on July 21, 2007 marks the breaking of the final seal, when from the deathly hallow the mighty Baphomet shall spring forth to issue in the apocalypse. The Rapture is nigh upon us, O! My Brothers and Sisters! We must make ourselves clean before the Lord Our God, lest we be left behind.

Order your book now at selected online retailers for a 40% discount. And don't forget, there's also the 43,000,000 cd audiobook.

From Stephen's Advanced CopyEdit

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While everyone else had to wait for the book, Stephen Colbert was given the one and only advanced copy of Harry Potter of the Deathly Hallows. J.K. Rowling has long been an admirer of Stephen Colbert, the greatest living writer of our age, and hoped he might offer her some advice on how to make the book a tiny bit better. Stephen's advice: don't write books; they're worthless.

On the July 19,2007 episode of The Colbert Report, Stephen (who has admitted to having had Hogwarts fantasies in the past) revealed the following about the book:

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  • Hermione is a dude.
  • Voldemort is the ghost of Harry's father, whose real name was Rosebud.
  • On the very last page, Harry wakes up in bed with Suzanne Pleshette.
  • In the process of writing this book, Rowling toyed with several names, including Harry Potter and the Large Green Snake, Harry Potter and the Collapsible Tent, Harry Potter and Hermione's Magic Handbag, Harry Potter and the Long and Pointless Trip into the Forest, and a few others.

Further Discoveries and Violations of NatureEdit

Following the leaking of the end of the book by Joseph Wilson's Wife, a new movement has formed on the internets to prevent further "spoilers" from reaching the public before the widespread release of the book. A group calling itself the Fundie Fangirl Alliance is working to report any suggestion of pre-release book-related conversation to the proper authorities.

"These spoilers must be punished," writes Harryrockzzz24, one of the "fangirl" members of the alliance. "Anyone who tells me that Neville dies on page 24 deserves to be handed over to the Dementors IMMEDIATELY, just like Professor Sprout is in Chapter 22!!!"

"What's wrong with these sickos?" ILuvLupin12 agrees. "It's like they want to ruin all our fun by not letting us find our for ourselves that Lupin and Narcissa Malfoy end up together. They're just meanies. Besides, I wanted to find out by myself that Snape kills himself out of anger!"

From the Fundie end of the alliance, a member known only as "Gabriel" writes, "Prepare for the end. You will all drop dead unless you stop your sins. I have red the Hairy Potter books, and Herminone dies. Now you will not have any reason to read it. Mwahahahaha! Repent and love Jesus!!"

After spending at least seven years thinking of the children, author J.K. Rowling reveals that Dumbledore is gay. Bold text

Wikiality.com ExclusivesEdit

Despite the efforts of the Fundie-Fangirl Alliance, Wikiality.com has obtained its own copy of the book, and can now positively confirm the following:

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  • Harry's owl dies of grief after hearing the news about Hermione.
  • So does Ronald Weasley.
  • Harry finally realizes there are books being written about him, and the psychological damage turns him into a "never-nude".
  • He uses a magical iPhone to call the Muggle police, in order to report the maniac stalkers who have been watching him.
  • Snape turns out to be a transvestite stalker, who killed Dumbledore accidentally during an S/M game gone wrong.
  • The book remains unclear about whether Hermione merely dresses as a girl or actually transforms herself into one. This ambiguity seems an obvious attempt on Rowling's part to use cover her tranny fetish in a "magical" metaphor.
  • J.K. Rowling has a tranny fetish.

See AlsoEdit

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