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Government Largess

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Government largess is where liberals take away our money to give it to "the needy" in ways that make current elected officals appear generous. Generally, these acts of generosity are given in ways that undermine the recipient's abilities to survive without government generosity.


Welfare Edit

Welfare literally means "well-being," but government uses the term "welfare" to describe programs that provide free money. The government does not tell the recipients that someone actually paid for the free money. This free money does not often contribute to actual welfare in the well-being sense, although it does contribute to the well-being of the elected officials who advocate it, like Kwame Kilpatrick, who is now enjoying the full government largess of Michigan's prisons. (See also: Baseball camp)

HousingEdit

Welfare recipients can receive free housing, often in communities known as "projects" as in "let's see if this helps people have better well-being." These projects have been ongoing for decades, but the liberals running the "projects" keep forgetting to gather research to measure whether there have been increases in well-being. In most large projects, it has been determined that the government has succeeded in concentrating large populations of vulnerable victims in close proximity to large populations of criminals. Since the goals and outcomes of the projects are top-secret, it is unknown whether this concentration of crime and poverty qualifies as success.

FoodEdit

Welfare recipients can obtain free food from the government through Food Stamps and food banks. Food Stamps are coupons that can be used like cash to purchase approved foods directly from retailers. Many poor, needy families lack cars and live in communities far from grocery stores. For these recipients, Food Stamps are used at any available retailer for any available food - usually packaged, processed foods with minimal nutritional value and at inflated prices. Food stamps cannot be used for transportation to stores offering better quality foods at better prices. Since welfare recipients are too lazy to walk 10 miles to a grocery store, many welfare recipients raise obese children who grow up addicted to soda pop and government largess.

Food banks are not actual banks, and they do not accept deposits nor pay interest. They are merely places that distribute food for free to eligible recipients. The most common product available through food banks is a food-like substance known as "government cheese."

Cell phonesEdit

Welfare recipients in many states can receive free cellular phones to ensure their safety and coolness. Patriots object to this program on the grounds that cellular radiation can cause brain cancer, and needy people have enough problems without developing brain cancer, too.

Planes, Trains, and AutomobilesEdit

Welfare recipients known as "qualified taxpayers" received free money to purchase cars in 2009 through the car tax rebate program. The program provided as much as $4,500 per car, but, unlike most welfare programs, it was open to liberals and conservatives, and did not require recipients to go to the "welfare office" to sit for many hours before filling out a stack of paperwork that would immediately be lost by the "caseworkers."

HomeownershipEdit

The government has numerous welfare programs to promote homeownership for needy persons. Under Federal loan guaranty programs, anyone who could fog a mirror could buy a home with less than 20% down during the go-go 2000s. When mortgage payments became too onerous, the government insituted another generous program to make greedy banks let people keep their homes even if they never could afford the house. Fortunately, many beneficiaries recognized the imprisoning mountain of debt that government largess creates (at least for the homeowner beneficiary) and engaged in a practice known as "walking away," wherein the homeowner made the bank keep the house in exchange for a drastically reduced credit rating.

Medical careEdit

See also Obamacare
The government has offered to give every American free healthcare, with a few exceptions. If the American has two nickels left after paying taxes, they are deemed ineligible for free healthcare and must buy their own health insurance. If the American has three nickels left after taxes, they are ineligible, must buy their own health insurance, and have to give the government that third nickel to pay for poor people's healthcare. If the American has one nickel left after taxes, they must pay their last nickel for healthcare and then the government will pay for the rest of the cost.

Medicare/Medicaid is a disgraced former program intended to provide free healthcare to needy persons. However, since some liberals were too rich to qualify for free healthcare - but still voted and still wanted free healthcare - President Obama decided that there wasn't enough free healthcare. Ben Bernanke keeps telling president Obama that there isn't enough free money to pay for all this free healthcare and government largess, but Obama is pretty sure that Bill Gates is hiding a couple trillion under his pillow. Since Bill Gates gives a lot of money to help Africans with healthcare, Obama has been trying to setup a meeting with Bill Gates to remind Billy that 1) Obama is part-African, and 2) we really need Bill's pillow money.


Baseball camp (aka Prison) Edit

The state and Federal governments operate free year-round summer camps for adults, which they call Prisons. Camps are conveniently located throughout the country, in locations as diverse as the waterfront camp at San Quentin and the high desert prison in the state of Nevada, called, unimaginitively, High Desert State Prison. Campers are known as "prisoners," and enjoy many fun amenities, including:

  • All-inclusive meals and lodging
  • Recreation facilities
  • Libraries
  • Classes
  • Arts and crafts
  • No co-pay healthcare
  • Baseball and basketball leagues
  • "Prison Riot" aka "Dodge the Rubber Bullet"
  • "Where's the Soap"
  • Conjugal visits

Admission to camps is highly competitive. Prospective campers must first win at the game of crime, in which the prospective camper commits a crime and hopes for the police investigate the crime. In order to apply for camp, the prospective camper must leave enough "clues" for the police to discern the identity of the prospective camper. This is very similar to the childhood game of "cops and robbers," but with less running and fewer simulated finger guns.

The application process involves a trial between a "prosecutor" and a "defense" who compete to decide whether the prospective camper will win a coveted camp spot, miss out on camp altogether, or join a day-camp program with fewer fun activities. Prisoners are generally "sentenced" to a minimum stay at "Prisons," although some are tossed out on their rumps before the end of their stay, and usually before collecting their Camper of the Year trophies. When campers are kicked out, they are forced to engage in hazing activities called "breaking the law" in order to earn re-admission to camp.

Privatization Most camps are run by high-paid unionized government workers known as "prison guards." Liberuls love prison guards, because they are wealthy and can afford to kick a little private largess to political campaign funds. However, many conservatives object to the high cost of making prison guards wealthy, so there have been attempts to privatize some prisons. The most successful privatization thus far was the privatization of Alcatraz, an island camp located near San Francisco in the San Francisco Bay. By making campers pay to travel to, and visit, The Rock, the Federal Bureau of Prisons was able to drastically reduce operating expenses while opening the camp experience to everyone, including campers who could not take enough time off work to enjoy a full trial and camping package.

Work, or where Largess comes from Edit

Many Americans enjoy a hobby or game called "work." They engage in activities that are collectively known as "gainful employment," which leaves little time left to enjoy government largess or voting for liburals. Participants compete to collect chits known as "dollars." In order to fund government largess, the government came up with a clever scheme to "tax" the hobby of "working." The top participants give 35% of their chits to the federal government, plus around 10% to state governments and 8-16% to Social Security. Top players accumulate billions of chits, reaching the level of "billionaire". The best players are collectively known as "the rich," which makes all the other players suspect them of cheating, so we hate them, the lousy cheaters.

Work is a popular sport in America, although most Europeans don't understand America's fascination with the game. Forbes Magazine publishes a list of the top players. At this writing, Bill Gates is the highest ranked American player of "work."

People who do not engage in "work" are known as "the poor" or "the needy." The government uses "workers'" tax chits to reward the "poor" and "needy" who choose not to participate in "work" so the non-workers won't feel bad about not having any chits. This is very similar to restrictor plate rules in the game of "racing." By making the best players play harder to amass more chits, the game increases the supply of chits for everyone.

The working poor Some people choose to participate in "work," but don't collect enough chits to avoid the elimination round. These people are called "the working poor," and they get to collect chits from "work" and also collect chits from the government. For mediocre players, this is the optimum strategy to win "work." The work chits provide spending money, while the government chits provide housing, healthcare, food, childcare, higher education, and all the fun companionship of "caseworkers" who lose the beneficiaries' paperwork.

Pocket money Edit

The government used to give pocket money to Congress-persons who travelled. They had to stop when the libural media started writing stories about lawmakers keeping the pocket money instead of using it for travel.

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