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This article contains information about an upcoming or ongoing Catastrophuck in the United States.
Content may change dramatically as the debacle unfolds.


Gitmo North is a luxury terrorist resort located in Millhaven, Ontario. A place like no other in Canada, it is formally known as “The Kingston Immigration Holding Center”, but it has been affectionately nicknamed “Guantanamo North” by Canada’s governing Conservative Party.

KingstonCentre

Gitmo North. A stunning level of security with an equally stunning view.

History

Canada was mired in godless, indulgent behavior, wrapping itself in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms when the Conservatives yanked governing power from the jaws of the aptly-named liberal party in 2006. The "Tories" (a nickname for Canada's Conservatives) made it the first order of business to kick some Jihad ass. They detained Mohammad Mahjoub, Hassam Almrei and Mahmoud Jaballah on suspicion as terrorists with links to Osama Bin Laden, and "toried" them all a new one.

Spot terrorist

Can you spot the terrorist? Trick question! Of course, the guy on the right in the orange jumpsuit is, but actually all three are.

Canada Finally Gets It Right

The infidels are being held on “security certificates”, which are bonus coupons modeled after America’s PATRIOT Act. These certificates give Canadian authorities extraordinary powers of detention and the ability to conduct deportation hearings and reviews in secret, all in the name of national security.

If someone is determined to be an “illegal combatant” or a “threat to national security”, they are held under a certificate and are denied legal rights historically guaranteed to detainees, such as the right to know the exact nature of the actions alleged and of the crime committed, the right to be brought before a judge and be heard by an impartial and public court, and the right to be presumed innocent.

Millhaven aerial view

Aerial view of Millhaven Penetentiary, home to Gitmo North. The complex is also known as "The Triagon".

“Stunning” State-of-the-Art Amenities

The brand-new facility contains six cells facing a large common area and kitchen. Detainees are allowed regular visits from Christian religious leaders of their choosing. Individual living units and cells face West (a.k.a. “the long way to Mecca”) to accommodate individual prayer practices.

The hotel and convention center was built especially for terrorists at a cost of $3.2 million ($ Canadian). Since the facility is presently half-empty, this works out to a unit cost of little more than $1 million per detainee. This does not bother freedom-loving Canadians though, because according to Statistics Canada the terrorists are living below the poverty line (the average Canadian makes $2 million per year after taxes).

The terrorists’ flip-flopper lawyer, John Norris, made this statement: “It’s quite inexcusable how they’re being treated... It’s absolutely stunning the level of security they have.”

Hugh Segal

The Conservative government removed Canadian Senator Hugh Segal from the helm of a high-profile Senate committee on February 21, 2007 (details) after he urged his government to investigate the treatment of terror suspects being held at Gitmo North. Ultimately Segal's comment “As a Conservative, I’m one who believes in order first and freedom second” wasn't quite enough to keep his position.

Hugh Segal's Replacement

A replacement for Hugh Segal has not yet been named, but apparently a prerequisite for heading the Senate committee is that the candidate must be able to place freedom as Item #3 on a list of two items.

Priceline.com

The Canadian government has had challenges finding more terrorists to hold as guests in the facility. After determining that Howie Mandel, although bothersome, was actually not a terrorist, they decided to release the three available cells to the highest bidder through the tubes of The Internets at Priceline.com. (Name your best price over $750,000!)

Factoids

  • Security certificates resemble Canadian Tire money, and, interestingly enough, when they are not used to detain terrorists, they too are redeemable for merchandise at Canadian Tire stores.
  • Security certificates pre-date the events of September 11, 2001 and have existed in various forms since 1991. To date, 27 certificates have been issued with three quashed by the Federal court.
  • On February 23, 2007, Bears infiltrated Canada's Supreme Court and drugged Canada's Supreme Court justices prior to the Court delivering a key decision on security certificates. As a result, the Supreme Court voted 9 - 0 to strike down security certificates as a violation of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Luckily, the drugs were not potent enough. The certificates will remain in effect for a year until the government can write stronger legislation.
  • Conservative Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day says the terrorists are free to leave Gitmo North at any time they wish to. If they choose to leave, they will be given a free transatlantic plane ride along with their deportation papers. They should not expect any special treatment though – they will be treated exactly the same way Maher Arar was.

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