Stephen Colbert's Balls for Kidz is an award-winning educational segment of The Colbert Report in which Stephen Colbert teaches America's children vital lessons so they can grow up to have giant brass balls like him. On each segment, a group of children is given the chance to ask questions of adult experts. That way they can learn the truth they aren’t getting in their schools.
Documented research by the Stephen and Melinda Gates Foundation has proven that even temporary exposure of a child to a Ballz for Kidz segment immediately causes hormones to be released which stimulate the growth of a massive set of gonads.
In the premier installment of Stephen Colbert's Balls for Kidz, on the January 10, 2006 episode of The Report, Stephen introduced four kidz (Erika, Elijiah, T.J., and Francesco) to a group of bear experts. They then described in graphic detail the necessity and pleasures of killing bears for human protection. The children were, of course, quite impressed and horrified.
The kidz also met Mr. Bimples, a very wise bear who understands his place in the food chain, his friend Donsie the Doughnut and his other friend Accurate Drawing of a Gun.
For fun at home, budding geographers could download a map of New Jersey marked with all 297 places where bears have been shot dead. When you connect the dots it makes a picture. A picture of every place a bear was killed.
On the April 4, 2006 edition of The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert noted that more and more Brazilians are willing to go under the knife and get cosmetic surgery. Stephen suggested that we need to increase our own nation's willingness to get cosmetic surgery by getting the population interested at a young age. This prompted a new segment of Ballz for Kidz on the subject of plastic surgery.
Four kidz were able to ask questions which were answered by plastic surgeons at a major cosmetic surgery convention. The surgeons' frank responses, reasonable rates and mind-numbing terminology was over the heads of the kidz, but they were interested.
CarnivalsEditOn the August 1, 2006 edition of The Colbert Report, Stephen talked about America's most wholesome entertainment for the whole family: carnivals. This segment was shown again on the episode which aired the night of June 16, 2009.
Things to do at carnivals include:
- eating funnel cakes
- riding the Ferris wheel
- pointing in mute horror at the deformed
Sadly, today's youth don't spend much time at carnivals, so Stephen devoted a segment of Ballz for Kidz to the subject. The Kidz, Elijah, Erica, Kayla and TJ, were able to ask carny experts (workers, fans and freaks) various questions about carnivals and about how tall you must be to ride.
- Kiddie rides suck.
- Carnivals serve all the major food groups:
- Hot dogs
- Cotton candy
- Funnel cakes
- French fries
NOTE: Do not eat any of the above before going on a carnival ride.
- Carnival rides are unsafe.
- People piss and shit themselves on carnival rides.
On the January 22, 2007 edition of The Colbert Report, Stephen discussed gambling with a group of four kidz, answering their questions with taped interviews of casino denizens. Stephen's instruction resulted in each of the kidz sprouting a pair of giant brass balls or giant brass ovaries of their very own.
- In the Sport of Kings, cockfighting, don't bet on a bird called "Honey-Mustard."
- It takes many people to make the joy of gambling come to life. These include:
- The dealer, who makes the fun,
- The gamblers, who have the fun,
- The pawnshop guys, who finance the fun, and
- Harvey, the certified compulsive gambling counselor, who is a buzzkill.
- Pathological gamblers almost always take their kidz' college money
- They will even take their kidz' bikes if they need the cash
There are a few friends in Washington who can help explain what SCHIP is, they are:
- the Congress that writes the bills
- the pundits who discuss the bills
- and the only guy who matters
- Kidz will get excited about anything
- the introduction of a bill that provides health care for 4 million poor children
- the passage of a bill that provides health care for 4 million poor children
- when a bill that provides health care for 4 million poor children gets vetoed
- Stephen Colbert's Kid Activity Corner - Just one more way that Stephen Colbert thinks about the kids
- Stephen Colbert's Big Brass Balls - Just one more way that Stephen Colbert teaches people what it's like to have Giant Brass Balls.