THIS IS ABOUT THE REAL DEMOCRAT FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT! FOR THE THEORETICAL FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT THAT SOME REPUBLICANS HAVE FOR THEIR FANTASY, SEE THIS PAGE
Taxes, after all, are the dues that we pay for the privileges of membership in an organized society.
Franklin D. Roosevelt was the 32nd President of the United States, and the first Communist to hold the office. He was the cause of all of America's problems for decades, warming that particular seat for Bill Clinton.
The fifth cousin of President (and known bear associate) Theodore Roosevelt, Franklin Delano Roosevelt rebelled against his wealthy (and therefore Godly) family by becoming a liberal. To further piss off his parents, he became a lawyer.
Catching The PolioEdit
The original "wheelchair liberal", Roosevelt purposely caught the polio in an unsuccessful attempt to dodge the draft. From then on, he often refused to walk, simply expecting a handout from the health care industry which, thinking on his feet, he himself created.
Roosevelt and the ladiesEdit
Roosevelt, for his part, liked sex. He liked it a lot. In fact, he continued the great Democratic tradition of having massive amounts of sex. When he met a beautiful distant cousin around the turn of the twentieth century, he had so much sex with her in such a short period of time that her good looks disappeared, leaving her a hopelessly "unattractive woman" and requiring him to marry her and have children.
Just after the unattractive woman finished having children for Roosevelt, she found out that he was having sex with Lucy Mercer. Angry, the unattractive woman refused to ever have sex with Roosevelt again.
This left Roosevelt with the bright smile and buoyant personality that would go on to get him elected POTUS over and over again.
Roosevelt would go on to have sex with Marguerite "Missy" LeHand, his private secretary until his stamina eventually killed her in 1941. Then he started having sex with Lucy again.
Chicks He's BangedEdit
- Lucy Mercer
- Marguerite "Missy" LeHand
- a bag of laundry
- Your grandma
- His grandma
Career In PoliticsEdit
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and also a second depression, rampant starrvation and my gut is telling me that Europe's a tinderbox. What's the point? We're all doomed! I can't walk! can't walk!
Mayor Of New YorkEdit
Roosevelt was one of the many Mayors of New York City who was not Rudy Giuliani, and therefore did not single-handedly save the world from terrorism. As if that weren't bad enough, he lived in New York City.
Roosevelt served four terms as President, setting the groundwork for the Greatest President Ever to seek a third term in 2008 (see: John McCain). During his presidencies, he stacked the Supreme Court with activist judges who did not understand the vital role that school prayer and waterboarding serve in protecting our National Security.
The Great DepressionEdit
See main article: The Greatest Depression
During the Greatest Depression, Roosevelt overreacted to one eensy little correction in the market and ushered in the New Deal, a Communist plot to give homeless slackers a free ride to the soup kitchen and encourage welfare queens like Charlie Chaplin to help themselves to an unearned meal of delicious shoe leather. Big Government was born, and would stalk the land for another 48 years before the intrepid Sir Ronald Reagan trickled down from Heaven to slay it.
World War IIEdit
See main article: World War II
It is a little known fact that World War II began with an argument between Roosevelt and Adolf Hitler over a bag of Funions (in his one known act of manliness, Roosevelt refused to share). He then allowed the Japanese to bomb Pearl Harbor, presumably to pave the way for the much-anticipated California Krab Roll-flavored Funions. When the deal fell through, however, he entered the country into war while in a state of hypoglycemic shock.
He spent the next four years threatening our precious firesides with his brand of liberal media and allowing thousands of Japanese people to live, tax-free, in American detention camps.
His presidency was not without successes, however. In 1945, he accomplished his greatest feat: Dying, so that a Republican, Harry Truman, could take over and win the war by dropping truthiness bombs on Japan.
- Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what you can do for communism!
- All we have to fear is being taken off welfare and losing our government cheese!
- I cannot not tell a lie!
- Four score and 80 years ago, American pilgrims freed the Communist Indian Savages from the threat of Spaniard insurgents!