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Family Values

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ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.


Family values is a measure of a family's politcal worth. Since 9-11, some people have stated that it is wrong to place an actual monetary value on people, but when people became angry about trying to buy people, the Liberal Media forced the nation to change their minds about the idea.

Having no choice but to do as the American people wished, Karl Rove and other prominent Republicans (like Frank Luntz) created a formula that will, once and for all, place a value on an American family. That formula1 is called "The All-American Freedom and Justice For All Calculator" and is based on Worthington's Law.

The All-American Freedom and Justice For All CalculatorEdit

For Americans, print the calculator out and have your accountant figure out the totals for you.

"The All-American Freedom and Justice For All Calculator"
multiply all dollar amounts by 1,000.2
Male Head of Household Female Head of Household Male Child Female Child TOTAL
Republican
America-Hater
multiply by 1
divide by 23
multiply by 1
divide by 24
multiply by 1.55
multiply by 1
divide by 4
multiply by 1
Republican
America-Hater
Childbearing Ability (Age 9-65)
(Age 65-85)
add 1
add 0
add 1
add 0
add 1
add 0
add 1
add 0
Republican
America-Hater
Draftability N/A
18-65
N/A
divide by 2
N/A
divide by 2
N/A
add 1
N/A
add 1





















FootnotesEdit

1. Is not something Rove and Luntz worked on for years or that the Republican Party received from one of their Think Tanks; it was created overnight in reaction to the overwhelming response from the American people following 9-11, God Bless America. (Return)
2. The base amount for Republicans=$10,000; for America-haters=$5,000. (Return)
3. The Male Head of Household for an America-hater is probably gay. (Return)
4. The Female Head of Household for an America-hater is probably "a single mother" which is not American. (Return)
5. Child-bearing females' worth is increased due to natural ability to make more Republicans. (Return)

External TubesEdit


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And also, like Iraq, may always be under construction.
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