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ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.


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The United States of America does not torture
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~ George W. Bush, The Greatest Former President Ever!!
On Torture November 29, 2005



Torture

Halloween at Abu Ghraib

Torture Enhanced Interrogation Techniques actually helps change countries for the better. As Ronald Reagan proved by supporting Apartheid's political vision in South Africa, it mobilizes change. Only bad guys get tortured. Why would we if they weren't?

Now let makes this clear: Torture and "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques" are not the same thing! That is a liberal lie!

Torture "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques" has been given a bad reputation by liberals, once again blaming and hating the liberators.

Fortunately, the great Americans, John Yoo and Alberto Gonzales, a great legal mind and The Greatest President's Attorney General, respectively, have put in some hard work to bring the word "torture" "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques" back into America's good graces.

The first thing people have to remember is that "torture" "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques" really is just a word. And a legal one at that. It's always best to leave legal terminology to the lawyers. If every American went around using lawyer-words, that would make America no better than France and no one wants that.

If we ban torture "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques" we might as well get a fake ID, try pot and have sex before we're ready: that's what we'll be teaching our children.

Morals, EthicsEdit

Former Interrogator Rebukes Cheney for Torture Speech03:37

Former Interrogator Rebukes Cheney for Torture Speech

“Enhanced Interrogation Techniques" do work!!!

The Wordanistas would have you believe that there is a difference between ethics and morals, but there isn't. Therefore, in this article, the term "methics" will refer to either one, since the Bible makes no real distinction between them anyways.

As far as the methics over torture "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques", there is really only one methical dilemma over torture "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques" and that is how the word has become to mean bad things, when it's really not a bad thing; it's just a word (a legal one at that!).



Explaining The Idea Of Defending The Nation To LibrulsEdit

TortureApologiaChart6-2009

A simple chart to explain how to love America.












Types of Torture "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques"Edit

TortureDevices

Caption

There really is only one type of torture "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques": the protection of America by any means necessary. We Americans are known for our entrepreneurial spirit and how inventive we are; we can come up with many ways to torture "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques" terrorists, and others who would do harm to us.

ExamplesEdit




Torture "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques" and PoliticsEdit

Mancow Waterboard04:44

Mancow Waterboard

A very dangerous terrorist being “waterboarded” (waterboarding is NOT torture, is just an incentive method to make them talk)

In order to be a successful Republican presidential candidate, candidates must jump on the torture wagon, otherwise, the Republican party will drag them behind it (they're lookin at you, McCain). Mitt Romney is currently riding shotgun in the torture wagon.

There are some special phrases that are being thrown around on the political stage. IF YOU ARE A DEMOCRAT, TERRORIST, OR ANY OTHER ENEMY OF AMERICA, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER! (honor system!) When Republicans say "enhanced interrogation techniques," what they really mean is torture. Isn't that awesome? Democrats will never know what they're really talking about!

It is a well known truth that only terrorist-coddling, Geneva Convention-hugging, liberal pussies oppose torture. In order to appeal to real Americans, presidential candidates must prove their willingness to use enhanced interrogation techniques. Dr. Colbert suggests that candidates actually demonstrate interrogation techniques on suspected terrorists at the next debate because, after all, actions scream louder than words.

A Terrorist Time Bomb Hidden in A Secret Place, with The Guilty Terrorist in CustodyEdit

This is the most common of terrorist situations. As Alan Dershowitz pointed out, there are literally thousands of ticking time bombs hidden throughout the country. Only by torturing using "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques" on brown people terrorists can we find them before it's too late!

(Holy crap! What's that ticking noise!?)

But, the liberals claim there is a methical dilemma and hem and haw while Americans are dying.

COME ON LIBERALS!!! There is a terrorist BOMB somewhere!

Proof. Honestly, liberals don't even care for their own kids. Which is why, we Americans are so fortunate to have The Greatest President looking out for our every need, just like it says in our constitution and in the Bible, I am sure it's in there, I read it somewhere on the internets.

We Americans are so fortunate to have a President who knows when to torture, when to send Our Troops into battle and when to go to the Mississippi Gulf Coast.

We are so blessed.

God Bless America.

Hey Kids: Wanna Be a Torturer?Edit

Super Soaker Waterboards00:57

Super Soaker Waterboards

America loves waterboarding

We live in dangerous times. Fear and terrorism is everywhere and criminals are running rampant. Is times like this that we all need to do our patriotic duty by helping America to combat terrorism. The solution, become a torturer!

  • Flexible Schedules
  • Guarantee Meals Three Times a day
  • Bonus and Benefits
  • Lucrative Health Insurance Plan
  • Chance to See the World! Meet New People Everyday!
  • Help to Liberate Starving-Freedom People from Oppressive Regimes
  • Make Tons of Money!


Now you are asking yourself, "But how can I become a Torturer myself? I dont have a High School Educashun, I have no skills, I have no idea what the "Geneva Convention" is, no sense of morality/conscience or genuine human soul whatsoever, no former training when it comes to torturing people..." If some of these options applies to you, no Problem! You are overly qualified!!

Our courses in "Torture 101" and "Waterboarding 101" are simple, easy, and quick to learn! You will become a pro in no time!


"The Institute of Torture and Threatment Center" is hiring ambitious men and women in the country with the recent high demand for Interrogation Experts and it is ready to distribute generous scholarships in the fight on The War on Terror! The Institute has years of experience in the area of torture, interrogation techniques, and "Super Secret Enhanced Interrogation Techniques" and the only industry in America with seven years of experience in the field of Interrogation (and it has a "Seal of Approval" from the President Himself!).


Thanks to The Greatest President Ever's policy, we foresee many years of labor and lucrative large government contracts, that promises great job security for us all!

What are you waiting for, sign up now!

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