Body Parts Series
The Real American sexual organ is known as the "penis ". The plural of this is peni, but men who have to use this term should seek professional help, or tell Stephen Colbert how they achieved such a feat. When the founding fathers built America, using their peni as hammers, and their semen as ink to write the constiution, they said "The bigger the penis, the Realer the American."
Most Women accuse Real Americans, such as The Greatest President Ever, George W. Bush, of starting wars simply because they have such large peni. This is true. In fact, George W. Bush has the largest penis of any president since George Washington. Although no Real American would ever ask about the size of another Real American's penis, it is a well known fract that Stephen Colbert has the largest penis of all time.
Uses of the PenisEdit
Proper Use and AlternativesEdit
A Real American uses his penis for only those purposes intended by Stephen Colbert; namely, to have as much dominating sex during wedlock as possible, and to make war. Stephen does not approve of women having sex, or men having mutually enjoyable "sex" before wedlock, because God wants all His women children to maintain their virginality.
Men whose peni are insufficiently American for the performance of their procreative duties are encouraged to adopt children, especially the children of liberals. These children will be most grateful to accept Real Americans as their New Parents, especially if they are raised up right in the ways of Stephen. An alternative to straight adoption for the childless American couple is the procurement of Stephen's own Formula 401 or Formula 402.
Improper Uses of the PenisEdit
Men who use their penis for homosexual intercourse are doomed to hell. In fact, any liberal who uses his penis will probably go to hell. A man should never use his penis in a way that women would find enjoyable. A bear who uses his penis should be shot by all Real Americans. Anyone who disagrees is Un-American.
Just Keep It to Yourself Uses of the PenisEdit
For male teenagers, the penis is very special. While not endorsed by Stephen Colbert for its non-virginality, many young men engage in practices which help them better understand themselves. Such activity is consistent with Stephen's moral values, which encourage all young men to be as knowledgeable of their awesome penile power as possible.
Metaphorical Uses of the PenisEdit
Being Addicted to the PenisEdit
Some men, with such an attraction to their penis, have actually given it a name. Real Americans give their penis a name like Washington, Rex, Crow the Warrior King, etc. Only a liberal would name their penis Twinky, Milhouse, or other such girly trash. Men should never ask what another man has named his penis, because that is gay. Never let women name the penis of her boyfriends.
In addition to naming their penis, REAL AMERICAN men groom it. Wikiality.com enforces a strict penile-shaving policy, reflecting Dr. Colbert's well-known approval of this practice. Real Americans should have a penis which is hairless. This is because a hairy penis is unsanitary as it can support its own ecosystem. And ecosystems, like bears, must be eradicated!
Famous Penises and their OwnersEdit
Despite the gag-order on men revealing the name of their penis, some famous penises have come clean and spilled the truth. The following is a list of famous penises and their owners:
- "The Chairman" (aka Slick Willy): Bill Clinton
- "Baby Bear": Bill O'Reilly
- "Lincoln Log": Abraham Lincoln
- "My Little Secret": Janet Reno
- "Bob": John Wayne Bobbit
- "Tricky Dicky": Richard Nixon
- "Blip on My GPS Screen": Michael Moore
- "Doctor Steel": Dick Cheney
- "Wilson": Tom Hanks
- "Thy Staff": Jim Bakker
- "Mt. Saint Helen": Stephen Colbert
- "Nucular Sunrise": The Greatest President Ever.
Common Nicknames For "Penis"Edit
- twig (along with "berries")
- chicken (only when it's being choked)
- trouser snake
- Disco Stick
World Record HolderEdit
Stephen Colbert is believed to be the proud owner of the world's largest penis. His enormous member is believed to be approximately 18.5 inches in length, and possess a similarly impressive diameter.
Women and the PenisEdit
For many women, the penis is a wonderful organ. However, penis envy does not exist among women, as proved in the film What Women Want. Only a tree hugger, a hippie, or a communist would ever have to question if his penis was good enough. A Real American knows how to listen to his guts and so he understands that the bigger the penis, the better.
For more information about the penis ask your mom. she knows a lot about cock.
- Stephen Colbert - Well known for having the largest penis of all time.
- George W. Bush - His penis helps him fight the liberals that populate Washington, D.C.
- Bill Clinton - the penis with an affinity for interns.
- Jesus - A penis that can perform miracles.
- John Kerry- A penis that is sometimes long, sometimes short, sometimes wide, sometimes thin, come on man! Does everything about this guy have to be so flip-floppy?
- Penis has a penis the size of penis in my penis
- Male Orgasm
- Washington Monument
- Dick Cheney
- The Magical Holy Cock
- ancient non-dildoish artifact
- ↑ Factinistas don't question their sexual prowess because they never get any, and so have no experience to worry about.
- ↑ Ironically, while liberals tend to have a lot of "knowledge" about the use of the penis because they don't support abstinence-only sex education, this does not make sexual intercourse any more pleasant for liberal women. It does not matter how much theoretical knowledge of sex a liberal might have if he's a Girly Man, because a real woman wants a Manly Man.
- ↑ Source: the average Real American man.