| Debt-Miles® Inc.|
|Full Name||Debt-Miles® Rewards Program Inc.|
|Current Ownership||Ponzi Light Industries LLC|
|Slogan||Debt-Miles® - A New Way to Look At Debt!®|
|Headquarters||New York, NY|
|Fun Fract:||You are already a member, whether you like it or not!|
Debt-Miles® are a way of looking at how far your debt can get you, measured in $1 bills. This article deals with the Debt-Miles® accumulated by the United States of America, both by the Government, Large Corporations, and regular American citizens.
Measuring only the debt accrued by Presidents Bush and Obama, (an estimated 5 trillion dollars) on the behalf of American taxpayers, had they given it to the people rather than corporations, each tax-paying citizen could have had $50,000 to pay off their personal debts. However, since in their wisdom as deciders this money went to companies, American citizens have whatever debt they already had, plus the additional $50,000 in federal debt. What better way to spend this than by joining the Debt-Miles® Rewards Program? Using their Debt-Miles® citizens have a chance to escape debt-slavery in their home country through the special status of becoming "debt-refugees" in developing nations. Read on to find out more about Debt-Miles®, the Debt-Miles® Rewards Program, and how to calculate your personal Debt-Miles® to determine how far you can go on the power of your debt.
The basic calculation of Debt-Miles® begins with some standard measurments. A US one-dollar bill is 2.61" wide and 6.14" long. For the sake of maximizing the mileage available from your debt, Debt-Miles® are calculated by laying dollar bills end to end, as is shown in the diagram to the right.
A visual representation of debt can be found here - this visual, for the sake of brevity, uses $100 bills; multiplying the piles shown by 100 will therefore give you an approximation of the distances being covered.
As a baseline, one mile contains approximately $10,300.00 US worth of debt. Therefore, 100 miles is about $1.03 million US dollars, and 3,000 miles (the approximate distance from New Jersey to Los Angeles, along the route of the Cannonball Run) represents about $31 million US dollars of debt. However, even if one only counts TARP, at $700 billion, and the 2009 stimulus package at $825 billion (a total of $1,525 billion US dollars) the distances involved are astronomical. Namely, the Debt-Miles® earned for the bailouts is 14,777,250 miles.
The amount of debt accumulated by the United States far surpasses just the bailout fund amounts (thus far), and is so large that it forms the equivalent of 50.5 trips to the Moon. (or 25 round trips, more than has yet been made by human astronauts of all nations combined.)
The proposed US bank bailout is estimated at $4 trillion. Therefore, the bank bailout alone in Debt-Miles® is 386.7 million miles. This is the equivalent of successive round trips to: the Moon, Mercury, Venus, and a one-way trip to Mars with lots of change left over (although not quite enough to get you back to Earth.)
The amount of debt accumulated by the United States of America, including the sub-prime mortgage crisis, hedge fund collapses, domestic bank collapses, and the one trillion-dollar a year tax cut under the latest Bush administration, is very conservatively estimated at $70 trillion US. This is the equivalent, in Debt-Miles®, of 6,783,000,000 miles. Or, to put it into perspective, that's a round-trip to Pluto, the most distant planetoid in our solar system.
The fact that this debt was leveraged and re-lent at the rate of 10:1 compounded annually for eight years gives us closer to 100 trillion Debt-Miles®, enough for about two round trips to Alpha Centauri, the star nearest our solar system. For perpective, that's 4.36 light years distant - a light-year being how far light travels in one standard calendar year, assuming that it's moving at the speed of light. To use common units, that's about 671,000,000 miles per hour! The Baby Jesus will be very happy to see these travellers - he so rarely gets visitors at his vacation villa.
The Astronomical Distances are normally available to Debt-Miles® Plutonium-level Rewards Members, namely the Government, the Presidents, and select Ministries and Agencies. Very few private persons can accumulate the massive amounts of debt required for interstellar voyages under the Debt-Miles® Rewards Plans.
Table of Astronomical DistancesEdit
The following is a table of the distances, in miles, from Earth to the Sun, Moon, and planets of the Solar System, as well as to Alpha Centauri (aka The Baby Jesus's vacation villa) and the Galactic Center (God's house.)
|ASTRONOMICAL DISTANCES & DOLLAR VALUES|
|The Moon:||244,127 Debt-Miles||$2,519,200.20 of Debt|
|The Sun||91.6 Million Debt-Miles||$945,240,552,000 of Debt|
|Mercury||66.495 Million Debt-Miles||$686,176,533,900 of Debt|
|Venus||54.126 Million Debt-Miles||$558,538,101,720 of Debt|
|Mars||219.48 Million Debt-Miles||$2,264,862,405,600 of Debt|
|Jupiter||564.51 Million Debt-Miles||$5,825,302,882,200 of Debt|
|Saturn||801.753 Million Debt-Miles||$82,734,655,926,600 of Debt|
|Uranus||1.937 Billion Debt-Miles||$199,883,291,400,000 of Debt|
|Neptune||2.882 Billion Debt-Miles||$297,399,920,400,000 of Debt|
|Pluto||3.01 Billion Debt-Miles||$310.608,522,000,000 of Debt|
|Alpha Centauri||25.6 Trillion Debt-Miles||$2,641,720,320,000,000,000 of Debt|
|Galactic Center||146.95 Trillion Debt-Miles||A crapload more than that.|
One Trillion Dollars = 96.9 Million Debt-Miles. Divide this by 30 days = 3.23 Million debt-miles/day. Divide this by 24 hours = 134,553.33 debt miles/hour.
This is the current velocity of the American debt, averaged per month, for each of the last five months (from October 2008, at time of writing¹). This is based only on what debt is generated by the Federal Government - we've not tackled California or any of the other states yet.
(¹not including compounding interest.)
Calculating Personal Debt-MilesEdit
Your personal contribution to the Debt-Miles program (under your Associate Membership) needs to be calculated on the basis of your personal or household debt. Include your mortgage (if you still have one), car loan (if you still have one), line of credit (if you have ever had one), your credit cards (all of them), due and overdue bill payments, any and all layaway plans, deferred taxes, student loans, and any personal (ie non bank-based) loans you may have outstanding with your friends or family, and any donations you have ever made to Dr. Stephen T. Colbert DFA. Every dollar counts! If you can find out what the net debt of the state you live in is, you can count a portion of this towards your total - simply divide the net state debt by the population of your state.
Remember, one Debt-Mile contains $10,319.22 US of your debt. Keep collecting - you can't redeem your miles until you can leave the continental United States for a participating destination. The Debt-Miles program is perfect for the American traveller who wishes to escape debt-slavery at home. Once you have accumulated enough Debt-Miles to get out of America, the Program will help you apply for debt-refugee status in your destination country. However, to qualify, you must have enough debt-miles to get there. (Some restrictions apply, seasonal availability in some countries.)
List of Participating DestinationsEdit
Destination countries with no seasonal restrictions. These destinations are always available and have no quotas for debt-refugees. Other restrictions may apply as noted.
- Afghanistan - All debt-refugees must convert to Islam. Female travellers waive all their human rights. Debt-refugees are advised to provide their own AK47 or similar assault rifle. Alternate mechanisms of defense will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.
- Iraq - All debt-refugees must convert to Islam. Female travellers waive all their human rights. Debt-refugees are advised to bring a good-quality helmet and a flame-retardant suit of Kevlar body-armour.
- Syria - All debt-refugees must convert to Islam. Female travellers waive all their human rights. Debt-refugees are advised to bring a tent.
- Gaza / Israel - Debt-refugees must be able to provide their own AK47 or similar assault rifle.
- Sri Lanka - Debt-refugees must have malaria and yellow-fever vaccinations. Conversion to Islam an asset (although not mandatory.)
- Ethiopia -
- Somalia - Pirate heritage is not required, but is a definite employment asset. Debt-refugees must be able to provide their own AK47 or similar assault rifle.
- Tadjikistan - All debt-refugees must convert to Islam. Female travellers waive all their human rights. Debt-refugees are advised to bring winter clothing.
- Greece - A knowledge of home-explosive making and an immunity to tear-gas are necessary. Debt-refugees are advised to bring riot gear and a NIOSH-approved gas mask.
- East Timor - Delivery point is 30 miles off-shore. Debt-refugees must have strong swimming skills and a background in jungle survivalism. Maximum age for debt-refugees to East Timor is 21.
Short-hop Destinations. Many restrictions apply, especially in the AMZs. See The World According to Palin for more details on participating destinations.
The Fine PrintEdit
Contact the Debt-Miles representative nearest you for more details and this week's standby destinations. All receipts and proofs of debt must be received in triplicate for verification purposes. Some restrictions apply. On Approved Credit in Currencies other than US Dollars (except for select Latin American destinations). Debt-Miles reserves the right to refuse non-verified debt. Mileage may vary by household. Government employees and relatives or spouses of Debt-Miles employees may not participate in Associate Debt-Miles rewards reimbursement. Government employees should consult the Special Membership tables of transport. All individuals with accumulated Debt-Miles equal or greater than 244,127 miles will be automatically transported to the Moon, one-way only. Debt-Miles Co. is not responsible for accommodations, food, or life-support at your destination. Once Debt-Miles have been claimed, no other person may claim the same miles for their own reward purposes. Government employees part of the Special Membership may not claim the debt generated by their Ministry or Department as their own - only personal debt applies. Residents of the state of Utah are prohibited from participation in Debt-Miles programs by State law. Taxpayer residents of non-continental US States or Protectorates (ie Alaska, Hawaii, Guam, Puerto Rico, American Samoa, and Washington DC) are subject to special restrictions. Contact your nearest Debt-Miles representative for full details and to request your specially adjusted table of Debt-Miles destinations.
- List of Debt-Miles Members
- Debt-Miles Visual Interpretations
- The World According to Palin
- United States of Ponzi