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David Hasselhoff

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David Haselhoff is loved by all Americans.

David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff, aka David Tevye Tzeitel Hasselhoffenbergersteingoldman-Mendelbaum, was is a beloved American, even though he was is a Jewish, Hollywood entertainer. The date of his birth is unknown.

Hasselhoff was is best known for his tribute-to-America-Meatloaf-hair, and for staring in such "truthy" television programs as Knight Rider and Baywatch.

In later years, as his acting career declined, the Hoff began to indulge in the sauce. On one particular alcohol fueled binge, the Hoff tried to perform "hamburger-cide" by taking his life with a hamburger. The Hoff passed away recovered fully after the suicide attempt.

Most recently, the Hoff's career and popularity have been rejuvinated as he is being considered to play the role the German officer who attempted to kill Adolf Hitler in a new Hollywood movie.

Early LifeEdit

CareerEdit

The Hoff was encouraged by his popularity with the German puplic from his music. After World War II ended, and most of Haselhof's family died in P.O.W camps, the Hoff decided to move to Hollywood to become an actor.

The Belly of the BeastEdit

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The Hoff strikes a pose during his early acting days.

The Hoff was repulsed by the liberalism and excesses of Hollywood. At first, the Hoff found it difficult to even leave his apartment to audition for acting jobs. The Hoff is dedicated to his craft, however, and he eventually forced himself to attend auditions.

To the Hoff's credit, he didn't fall under the spell of the vices of Hollywood. A lesser man (e.g., John Travolta) would have joined a cult or turned away from convention.

Knight RiderEdit

The Hoff stuck to his guns and soon landed the staring role in one of the truthiest television shows ever, Knight Rider. In the show, terrorists were running rampant all over the United States of America and only a man, portrayed by the Hoff, and his robotic car were able to stop them from taking over.

I know you hear the word "robotic car" and worry that this show was written by a bunch of Labcoat Larrys. No fear! There was not one ounce of fact or truth in Knight Rider. For, the Hoff's character acted as example for all Americans by solving crimes and hunting down terrorists by using his gut, not facts.

BaywatchEdit

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The Hoff's milkshake brings all the boys girls to the yard.

On the heels of Knight Rider, the Hoff starred in another truthy program, Baywatch. The show centered on the work of a team of lifeguards with plots usually centering on dangers related to Hollywood and the Hollywood lifestyle. Everything from liberals to shark attacks to serial killers, and even terrorists, served as plot conflicts on the show.

Because it was so truthy, Baywatch was one of the most watched TV show in the world. In addition to its truthy content, Baywatch was also an artistic triumph for introducing America's Planet to Pamela Anderson.

Career DeclineEdit

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The Hoff photographed while coaching a dodgeball team.

After Baywatch, job choices inexplicably dried up for the Hoff. It's anybody's guess why people in Hollywood had become reluctant to hire the Hoff. Perhaps they were jealous of his scary talent and his heterosexuality.

To make end's meat, the Hoff was forced to take any job that came his way. One memorable experience led the Hoff to coach Germany's national dodgeball team.

Family TroublesEdit

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George Bush is unable to keep his hands off the Hoff's wife.

The Hoff married his childhood sweetheart from Germany, Angela Merkel. Things were going well for the lovebirds until Merkel's star started to rise just as the Hoff's career faltered. Merkel's election to the become the Chancellor of Germany began to tear the couple apart.

Things worsened in July 2006, during the G8 Summit proceedings, when the Greatest President Ever was unable to resist the sexual charms of Merkel. At the summit, George Bush strode up behind Merkel and clasped his hands upon her shoulders in a massage-like way. Merkel initially flailed her arms but was eventually unable to resist the President's charms.

This incident caused the Hoff to file for divorce.

Suicide AttemptEdit

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The Hoff, photographed during his suicide attempt.

Faced with little work and a terrible home life, the Hoff began to heavily drink.

Ironically, in the spring of 2007, a hamburger was almost the undoing for the man with the meatloaf hair. On one binge, a drunken Hoff stuffed 100 hamburgers in his mouth at once in an attempt to kill himself. The Hoff began choking on one of the hamburgers, and because he aint no homo, the Hoff refused any mouth-to-mouth or the Heimlich maneuver to help him.

Fortunately, an ambulance arrived just in time to resuscitate the Hoff with an oxegen mask and a cool glass of Diet Coke to help wash down the hamburgers. Thus, the Hoff would survive.

Career RejuvinationEdit

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The Hoff hypnotizing studio bosses to hire him for any job. Any job at all.

The failed suicide attempt gave the Hoff a new outlook on life. The Hoff concluded that he should try to be a role model for Americans everywhere. The Hoff began to try to rehabilitate his image.

Fate intervened to throw the Hoff a bone. Hollywood liberals had planned to film a Hitler assassination flick, Valkyrie, with Tom Cruise in the lead role as "Count Stauffenberg," the hero who attempted to assassinate Hitler. German officials, however, banned Tom Cruise from filming because of his insane $cientology beliefs.

The German government and populace began to lobby for the Hoff to portray the German Hero.

Today, the future is looking up for the Hoff. Let's all celebrate his greatness!


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“"Filmmakers will not be allowed to film at German military sites if Count Stauffenberg is played by Tom Cruise, who has publicly professed to being a member of the $cientology cult...Instead, we want a respectable American to portray the Count: David Hasselhoff.”
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~ German spokesman and Tom Cruise hater


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