Corporations

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Corporations
brings Wealth and Prosperity to Americans and
The Free Market
America thanks you, Corporations
Corporations
Makes The Baby Jesus™ Happy
And that Makes Stephen happy, too!


Corporations are God's gift to an obscenely wealthy, infinitesimal portion of humanity. The corporate model serves as the basis for the free market economy that makes America the greatest country. Ever.

Yikes! Keep your children indoors!

Contents

[edit] History

They initially started out as serving the public interest with projects for building national infrastructure, like railroads and canals in the 1600s, but then blossomed into being the frontline institutions for maximizing worker rights, wages, and freedoms to people around the world (until reformers and "watchdogs" ruin the fun). Thanks to them, even the ingrate Chinese factory workers that made your computer profit from $75/month salary and a relatively safe and clean work environment.

[edit] Qualities That Make Great Corporations!

Mankind has been trying to understand corporations for 6,000 years and it hasn't been until recently that the six qualities that every corporation should have[1] were discovered.

[edit] Political influence

The biggest threat to America is the terrorizing effect that the over-politicization of every facet of American life brought on by liberalism. When corporations can have even just a tiny influence on politics, there is a chance to balance that unpatriotic, unChristian, America-hating, focus-group-dependent, socialistic, secular, science-based thinking.

[edit] Deregulation

Regulations are when the government shackles a corporation. This is not a free market! Regulation is communism; deregulation is the opposite. American corporations can really only work with American-style freedoms. Deregulation allows corporations to dissolve the socialistic bonds which tie them to unions and free them to assume the powers that nature's God entitle them.

[edit] Short-term thinking

As things change rapidly in these computer-age times thinking in the short term just makes sense. Next subject.

[edit] Financialization

Everything is a commodity. Everyone knows this. Corporations can only be expected to sell their products or provide their services. They cannot be expected to sell commodities they do not produce or give advice about banking or lending. These kinds of things are best left to the financial experts who are well versed in the inner-workings of these types of things. Everyone knows this.

[edit] Profit over social use

Profits are what make capitalism what it is, social use is socialism; nixo facto profits must be over social use.

In factiness socialism should never enter a monetary decision--ever!

[edit] Externalized costs

Costs are a drag on every corporation. From employee salaries to healthcare to pensions, if corporations pay for these things there is less profit. When a corporation can find a way to get someone else to pay for these things (or not pay for them at all) it works out better for everyone: the corporation gets more profit and the employees can rest easier knowing they're not socialists.

[edit] Factoids

  • Without corporations, our world would be run by bears.
  • Ken Lay was The Corporation's martyr, exceeded only by Jesus.
  • A corporation always takes a long-term view. For example, corporations sacrifice the planet and prefer to help save our shareholders economy. It all works out in the end, though, because Jesus will regenerate all lost wildlife, greenery, ice caps, and coastal cities.
  • Halliburton is in the business of supporting our troops, who deserve $100,000 caviar omelets for for breakfast, lunch, and dinner while on duty. Any profit is accidental and returned immediately to puppies and kittens.
  • ChoicePoint loves America
  • Corporations don't pay taxes!
  • Corporations hatez the communism

[edit] See Also

[edit] External Sources

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