After a thorough examination, Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.
has diagnosed you as suffering from a case of
Colbert's Disease

Colbert's disease is a disease that causes one side of your face to be paralyzed and your voice to be monotone. It should be noted that even though the disease has "Colbert" in it's name, it is not necessarily a good thing.

It first occured in Stephen Colbert's grandparents.

After a cursory review, the doctor recommends Colbert's Disease undergo drastic invasive surgery and perhaps a few more medicines.