Children (plural of "child")
Children are just short adults. There are different variations of children (dependant on their usefulness) and this article will attempt to clarify those nuances.
Children were not discovered until the early 20th century when some bleeding heart did a study on the correlation between the smoking ability of a coal miner and his height. The factonistas found some of the shorter coal miners were only able to smoke 5 cigarettes during their 5-minute air break.
After extensive research, the fact huggers concluded that the miners were not fully-grown and speculated that they may in fact be under-developed adults, or "children".
Special Interest GroupEdit
Children are just little lobbyists who curry political favor by being adorable.
Special Rights Extended to ChildrenEdit
Children are our future America and its important that we protect them from Gays, Communists , and especially Bears. (Never give your children honey!) Remember, the Gays, Communists, and Bears are always thinking of ways to corrupt the children. If we don't take care of our most precious natural resource (after fossil fuels, of course), who will? Who will think of the children?
What American Children DoEdit
Go to school, spend their parents' money, play video games, watch tv, date, talk on cell phones, spend day and night on the internets, give their Mothers a hard time, back sass their Fathers, and behave like hooligans, worship Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, maintain their virginality, accept the fact that they are never going to be as good as their parents.
- Work in Sweatshops (India/China/South America)
- Outrank American Children on Standardized Tests (Germany/Japan)
- Starve in (Africa/Eastern Europe)
- Get adopted by Hollywood celebrities (Africa)
- Need 23 cents a day, less than the price of a cup of coffee (Africa)
- Illegally immigrate to the United States (Mexico)
This is a type of graduation that The Greatest President Ever has made possible for America's luckiest children.
- children will eat their vegetables because they are fearful of graveyardsEpisode #528
Threat to our ChildrenEdit
- Brave Sheriff fights off dangerous children
- Free Market Child Care System works!
- Boy Steals Car to avoid going to Church!
- New Book on how to raise children
- British Children saves nation against monster
Concerned Parents worried that children growing too fastToy's R Us to release a new line of toys, profits will follow!
- Hippie Parenting 101
- Children benefits from the free market
- Baby does magic trick
- Teenager discovers fire
- New study suggests that music class is killing our children!
- Children are Mini-terrorist!
- Tricycle Welfare Queens demand free food!
- Mother saves children from the devil
- Children joins gang
- Lazy kids
- Child Manual
- Judge gives ebil child the Death Penalty
- Republicans to save children from Welfare: Kiddy Jubs will be provided
- Republicans to introduce bootstraps legislation for children
- Children now stealing from tax payers!
- Children plotting to steal our jubs
- Chldren in America too fat. Free market to provide cheap solution.