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"Children"
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"Children"
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Children (plural of "child")

Children are just short adults. There are different variations of children (dependant on their usefulness) and this article will attempt to clarify those nuances.

DiscoveryEdit

Children were not discovered until the early 20th century when some bleeding heart did a study on the correlation between the smoking ability of a coal miner and his height. The factonistas found some of the shorter coal miners were only able to smoke 5 cigarettes during their 5-minute air break.

After extensive research, the fact huggers concluded that the miners were not fully-grown and speculated that they may in fact be under-developed adults, or "children".

Once the liberals discovered children, they suddenly "discovered" some rights for them.

Special Interest GroupEdit

Children are just little lobbyists who curry political favor by being adorable.

Special Rights Extended to ChildrenEdit

Children are our future America and its important that we protect them from Gays, Communists , and especially Bears. (Never give your children honey!) Remember, the Gays, Communists, and Bears are always thinking of ways to corrupt the children. If we don't take care of our most precious natural resource (after fossil fuels, of course), who will? Who will think of the children?

What American Children DoEdit

Go to school, spend their parents' money, play video games, watch tv, date, talk on cell phones, spend day and night on the internets, give their Mothers a hard time, back sass their Fathers, and behave like hooligans, worship Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, maintain their virginality, accept the fact that they are never going to be as good as their parents.

What Foreign Children DoEdit

Work in Sweatshops (India/China/South America)
Outrank American Children on Standardized Tests (Germany/Japan)
Starve in (Africa/Eastern Europe)
Get adopted by Hollywood celebrities (Africa)
Need 23 cents a day, less than the price of a cup of coffee (Africa)
Illegally immigrate to the United States (Mexico)

Surge-eligibleEdit

This is a type of graduation that The Greatest President Ever has made possible for America's luckiest children.

Disciplining ChildrenEdit

children will eat their vegetables because they are fearful of graveyards^{Episode #528}

Threat to our ChildrenEdit

crystals, rhinestones and glass beads

External TubesEdit

"Children"
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