Crist is a snappy dresser. Very snappy. Almost as snappy as
his friend Mark Foley, who he barely even knows.
Succeeds Florida's Greatest Governor EverEdit
Crist, a "divorcee," succeeded Gov. Jeb Bush, who was the Best Governor Ever! in Florida but was forced to leave office because of term limits which are a just a big plot by Democrats to steal away the Majority from Real Americans.
But Charlie sure is a snappy dresser. And he doesn't really know Mark Foley. Only met him at a couple of
beach parties Republican Party events.
On the Monday before election day in 2006, Crist (who is single) declined an invitation from the Greatest President Ever to attend a big rally that Karl Rove (who is single) had set up for the candidate. That made Karl bitchy.
Doesn't know "Jason"Edit
Crist doesn't know that cute kid who may or may not have said all those shocking things about him. Never met the kid.
And, really, he doesn't know that cute kid.
He said he might have "shaken his hand" (wink2/nudge2) once or twice, but "can't really place the name."
"I mean..." the candidate added, "All those gay bois on AOL chat are named 'Jason'. Or 'Scott'. Or 'Ben Dover'. Or 'FernandoMuyGrande.' Or 'Naughty Pupil.' Or 'Marine Corps Physical.'" I don't know any of them."
The candidate quickly added, "At least that's what I've been told. I've never seen an AOL chat room. Never."
Supporters gather for victoryEdit
Despite the last minute snafus in a long, hard, frenetic campaign, supporters (many of them remarkably athletic) of the former Attorney General were confident that he would pull out on election night.
They gathered under a canvas tent hastily erected to beat back the unseasonable heat. The throbbing beat of house music at a South Beach resort accompanied the throng awaiting each trickle of the vote count.
The confidence and excitement of the crowd never shrank. They showed stiff resolve even when some results were deflating.
"We have to keep it up for The Candidate," said one attractive young aide. "Charlie never gave up. There was never even a hint that he would pull out. It just wasn't the right time. The Candidate just kept pounding on the issues at every campaign stop. He was relentless. Re-lent-less!"
Another aide, hanging on his shoulder (to hear every word) added, "The Candidate gave a totally deep, penetrating, hard-hitting analysis of the issues facing our state. We hit on every corner and bulge of the state. The Candidate was unstoppable. Outstanding! Fabulous!"
Cruised to victoryEdit
The throngs at the election night victory party buzzed as results began spurting in. The crystalline sun had just barely set in the west when the call was made at the night's climax: Crist is in!
The crowd exploded in cheers, a few grunts, and a rhythmic chant of "Char--LIE! Char--LIE!"
Some were so excited that they fell to the ground in groups of two, three, or four, writhing in joy at the thrilling outcome. A congratulatory cigarette topped off the evening. Custodial employees the following day swept up dozens of small, colorful, ribbed balloons, which had apparently failed to properly inflate.
Charlie attempted to run for the U.S. Senate in 2010, but he could not beat Marco Rubio (who is single) and had to run as an independent. "Go Charlie"!