Buddha
From Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia
Buddha is the false god of Buddhism. While some people refer to God as "All That Is," the Buddhists refer to their god as "Eats All There Is."
Or as Our Glorious Stephen put it:
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The goal of the Buddha's teachings was to eliminate suffering from existence. Hence, the orange robe Buddhists wear has become the international symbol for "No Suffering."
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[edit] Buddha Was Not Like Jesus
Buddha was born after Jesus. Before Jesus, it was very hard to get a mass of undifferentiated followers to mindlessly adhere to your every command. Just ask Moses: he made frogs rain from the sky, and the Jews still wouldn't listen to him unless he beat them over the head with rocks.
Jesus changed all that, though. After his glorious appearance as God-Made-Flesh, a jealous Baby Satan inspired a whole cadre of messianic coattail riders. Non it-getting people were willing to accept the crazy babblings of just about any idiot who claimed some kind of divine inspiration" Just ask "Reverend" Moon: that dude is crazy but his followers are willing to do anything he wants. And... he looks like Buddha! Coincidence?!
Buddha differed from Jesus in other important ways. Jesus was the Son of God who sacrificed himself for the sins of humanity. Buddha was just some in-bred royal (and not the good kind), who gave up palace life for a life of pot smoking and panhandling so he could "make the world a better place". Jesus was a well-known teacher who instructed people that they could achieve spiritual salvation through good deeds and prayer. Buddha was just this creepy fat-guy with a pedo-smile who told people they should try to do ethical work and give all their stuff to the Goodwill (probably so he could buy it cheap).
But perhaps the most important difference can be discerned through this comparison: Jesus had a wholesome, American six-pack, while Buddha was a fat slob with General Tso's Chicken stains on his bathrobe.
[edit] History of The Buddha
"All You Can Eat" buffet lunch.
[edit] Buddha, The Spoiled Rich Kid
Buddha was in many ways the first liberal hippie. Instead of getting a job, he decided to dedicate his life to sitting on his ass. For a long time, he sat on his ass in his father's fancy-pants palace, living the life of some prehistoric Asian Richie Rich. This was all pretty sweet, and would have probably been the way he lived out the rest of his life, but Buddha's Dad forgot one day and let his son look out the window while they were driving around in their slave-carried divan. Buddha accidentally saw some poor people, and the rest was history.
[edit] Buddha, The Emo
After Buddha saw the poor people, he suddenly got all Moaning Myrtle on everyone and decided he would leave his cushy palace life behind. So he went and sat on his ass under a tree for twenty years straight until he could figure out why there was so much sadness and suffering in the world.
"Ohhh, life is suffering," the big fat crybaby would proclaim. "And the origin of suffering is attachment." Well isn't that just soooo sad? "The cessation of suffering is attainable," he would cry, like a little girl whose pigtails had been pulled. "The path to the cessation of suffering is called the Eightfold Path," the Blubbering Buddha wimpily wept to his flaccid followers. "Follow this path to escape the wheel of samsara." His followers cried aloud, "Show us this path, Oh Enlightened One!" And they all had a karmic pity party and learned how to eliminate attachments and delusions and learned how to see the truth in all things. Well, boo-hoo. Cry me a river, Siddhartha.
[edit] Buddha, The First Hippie
After the tree-shaded weep fest, Buddha came up with the "Eightball Path," which taught his followers how to eliminate suffering from their sad, pathetic little lives. His religion teaches people how to sit on their asses and be happy all the time, which usually means smoking a lot of pot. Even today, you can see his worshipers in their orange robes lighting sticks of marijuana (pronounced nirvana in Buddhist) and snorting the smoke.
His liberal ideas have also sparked catastrophic world change, specifically the time period known as the Age of Enlightenment.
[edit] Buddha Trivia
- Not as good as Jesus
- Is really fat
- Not the same person as Confucius (probably)
- Likes to laugh for no apparent reason
- Returns to America's Planet, just to screw with people's heads
- Heads a Religion that is not American
- Buddhism is not the one that makes you last longer in bed, either
- Hates America
- Allen Ginsberg was a Buddhist, and just look at what his views on NAMBLA were.
- Buddhists are good bowlers.
- Buddhists don't know shit about martial arts, or martial crafts.
- Younger version played by Keanu Reeves in Little Buddha. Older version played by Patrick Swayze in the film Point Break. Boy, did he let himself go.
- The American version of the name Buddha is "Bubba" which comes from "Blubba" which is what whales are made of.
- Supports tofu.
