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This article contains information about an upcoming or ongoing Catastrophuck in the United States.
Content may change dramatically as the debacle unfolds.
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MarchingWorkers
British Petroleum
has been granted full United States "citizenship"
for their donation to Republican causes.
America thanks you, British Petroleum
HamburgerFrenchFries1
StephenForeignEndorsement2
British Petroleum
has bad teeth and a funny accent because it is British,
but still loves America, thank you for supporting our President.
Damn bp crop

America Hates Loves BP!
Drill, Baby, Drill!!

Drilling - Regulations = Profits!!

Bp greenpeace takeover

Even Green Peace
Loves BP!

BP, also known as Big Polluter Biblical Proportion Beyond Petroleum, is a Real American Company British Company who is helping America's Cars to run on American Oil, none of that foreign arab oil or hippie flower power algae/corn. Real Americans need American Oil and BP is here to make sure that we get as much oil as we can until we drown on it

Find The Wildlife

BP also offers children's activity books, with activities such as "Find the Wildlife."

Products and ServicesEdit

Bpcares2

We Spill Because We Care
(This Ad Has Been Paid for By Using Funds Meant to Clean Our Beaches)

Bpfish

Fish Flavor Oil!
Now Frying is so Easy!

Oil flavored shrimp

Oil flavored crabs

Oil flavored fish

Oil flavored water

Oil flavored turtle soup

Oil flavored oysters

Oil flavored catfish

Oil flavor carcass!

Oil flavored oil (with a 100% more oil!)

Spongebobbp

BP tried to get Sponge Bob to endorse their "Oilcean" product
but so far he hasnt returned their calls.
What a prick!

Oil flavored lemonade "Oilinade"!! (Fructose Corn Syrup Free!!!)


Pre-packed Oil in Tuna

Oil

Oil

More Oil

Oil rig safety equipment more motherfuckin' oil!

BP soon to release it's newest product: Oil Flavored Toxic Soup! Now With 30% Less Sodium!!

Coming Soon "BP Cares" T-Shirts!!

Oil Flavored Seasonings!

HistoryEdit

Sieg oil

Deutsch Mineralöl

Beyond Petroleum
BPCaresLogo
CEO: Classified
President: Elizabeth Birnbaum
Official Nationality: British
Official Logo: An Oil Rich Flower
Motto: Spill, Baby, Spill
Common Name: BP, British Petroleum, Big Polluter
Official Anthem: "Disco Inferno"
Work Force: Classified
Wealth Scale: 15
Principal Products: Oil Flavored Food Stuffs and T-Shirts
Principal industries: Drilling, Spilling, Spinning
Fun Fact # 1: "Privatizing The Profits, While Socializing The Cost"
Fun Fact # 2: Safety is The #1 Priority for BP, Profits Comes #2
Fun Fact # 3:

███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ or █████▋██ ███████ Mineral Management Service ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋ oil █████ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ hookers. █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋ █████ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ cocaine █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ Bin Laden ▊███████

█████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋ George W. Bush █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████


█████▋██ ███████ corruption ███ ██▋ █████ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ basketball game tickets ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███

██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ sex ███████ █████▋██ lobbyist ███████ ███ ██▋▊ █████▋██ Drill, Baby, Drill ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋ oil █████ ███████


███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊██████ ██▋███▊▊ deregulation ███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ Halliburton ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████


Yakuza █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋█████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋ favors █████ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███


▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ Exxon ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋ █████ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████

███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ Halliburton ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ or █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ less safety equipment ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ more profits ███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███


██▋█████▋ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊██████ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ less environmental concern █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋


█████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ █████▋██

Thus History will remember BP as the safest Oil Company in the planet, and you can trust BP on that!

BP's CEOEdit

Tony Hayward (aka "Toxic Tony")Edit

Bpceo

Tony Hayward:
Great CEO or The Greatest CEO?

Flag quote open clear2
I'd like my life back
Flag quote close clear2
~ Tony Hayward
May 30, 2010


Tony Hayward is the current CEO of BP is the retired CEO of BP. He has proven to be an awesome CEO over the years and thanks to his radical leadership the company has experienced a period of high profits thanks to his radical money making policies. Unfortunately Hayward has shown signs that he wants to spend more time polluting with his family, he declares that the stress of making too much money is making his life hard and wants to return to a normal and peaceful life.

Hayward has done a superb job in winning the hearts and minds of the American people during the Oil Spill Crisis an inevitable accident in the Ocean. Hayward has declared thanks to BP's efforts they have rescued many animals and there is no need to clean up the rest of the oil as it is inconsequential to the natural habitat of Louisiana.

He shall be missed

Update: 6/7/2010Edit

BP Spills Coffee02:49

BP Spills Coffee

Disaster at BP Headquarters!!!

We are sad to inform you that Mr. Hayward has recently passed away. Tony Hayward was a brilliant CEO and leader of industry. His compassionate and eloquent speeches were the stuff of legends that cemented BP's incredible PR machinery on the American Psyche. According with our CSI investigators Mr. Hayward was murdered by Stephen Colbert's trained seagulls, making him an American Hero suffered a series of unfortunate "accidents" that claimed his life, police does not suspect foul play.


On the way to our studio Mr. Hayward accidentally tripped and slammed his balls on Stephen Colbert's foot thus causing a rupture on his ballsacks; with his crotch damaged beyond repair Hayward tried to find his way to Stephen's desk but he made a wrong turn and found himself on our studio stairway, as he tried to turn back he then slipped on a wet floor causing Hayward to fall and crush his body on several steps that damaged several of his bones and his ribs on the stairway, luckily he cushioned his fall with his head; after the fall his head got stuck on a doorway and he "accidentally" slammed the door on his cranium several times causing severe head trauma, an inoperable concussion, and cranial hemorrhage; confused and disoriented he then somehow reached the roof of our studio where he lost his footing and fell from several floors to the street where he shattered the remaining of his bone and snapped his spine-cord; while Mr. Hayward tried to recuperate from the fall (he miraculously survived at this point, but unfortunately by now he was completely paralyzed making him an invalid for life) he was "accidentally" ran over by a car several times (witnesses could not describe the driver but they believe that the run over was accidental). It was still a miracle in itself for Mr. Hayward was still breathing (and suffering from tremendous and extraneous physical pain, excruciating enough that our Medical Examiner suggests that at this point Tony Hayward lost control of his bowels and he involuntarily soiled himself many many many times).

The Brig - BP Rich Fish01:14

The Brig - BP Rich Fish

BP helping to spread the wealth around,
you ungrateful bastards

Tony's Life & How He Can Get It BackEdit

Tony Hayward could have spend the rest of his life and existence as a functioning and healthy quadriplegic thanks to his billions of dollar and the Golden Parachute that he would have received on the coming months after his departure. His daily life and routine would have consisted on being serviced by hot sexy nurses while being strapped to a hospital bed with a feeding and oxygen tube shoved on his nose and throat, he would had enjoyed the best gourmet meals provided by Five Star restaurants (provided in the form of paste) and premium oxygen from the Himalaya's pure air. Tony Hayward's bed would have been made from the best of NASA's space age bedding, simulating the feelings of sleeping on a cloud while wearing adult diapers with an urinary catheter inserted on his bladder (the tube would have been made of silver). To provide extra safety against hippie terrorists, Hayward would had been guarded 24 hours a day and seven days a week by mercenary troops from Blackwater Security Consulting... but it was not to be, for a band of renegade seagulls pecked him to death, they even took his eyes and his false set of "good teeth". The upside of this terrible event is that at least Tony Hayward was not Japanese nor British Petroleum is not actually Japanese Petroleum... his fate could had been worst and televised to shame his ancestors.


On memory of Tony Hayward, Stephen Colbert started a foundation "The Tony Hayard Foundation: BP's Great CEO or Gretest CEO Fund" "The Gulf of America Fund". Stephen Colbert has already given his hard earned money to the foundation, if you dont give a cent you will be just like BP, you dont wanna be like BP, do you?

Update: Party at Hayward's House!Edit

Remember Weekend at Bernie's? Well, the corpse of Tony Hayward has decided to throw a kick ass party to celebrate his golden retirement! Living and non-living creatures (zombies, vampires, etc) are all invited! (except voodoo priestesses and poor fishermen)

BP Chairman: Carl-Henric SvanbergEdit

Flag quote open clear2
We care about the small people.
Flag quote close clear2
~ Carl-Henric Svanberg
June 16, 2010


America welcomes the Leadership of Swedish BP chairman, Carl-Henric Svanberg, and so far this transition has gone smoothly as if nothing has really changed at all! America sees a great future for this bold Chairman! Just remember to keep away from runaway sea turtles and the seagulls

BP's Candidates for CEOEdit

BP tried to contact The Exxon Valdez Crew Cleaners, but they were all raptured by Jesus (Jesus needed those clouds cleaned by Monday, before God got back from his business trip)

With the sad retirement of Tony Hayward, BP is looking for his replacement and they have received potential candidates:

Friends of OilEdit

Haterz continue to Hate

The HatersEdit

Streetgiant-upperplayground-3

No Walruses were harmed during the making of this spill

Frenemy(?)Edit

How to Clean Up an Oil Spill - Scamwow!02:06

How to Clean Up an Oil Spill - Scamwow!

ScamWow is nonrefundable




Good News: Planet BP is Newest Truthiness Crusader!Edit

War Crime AccusationsEdit

BP Gulf Oil Spill Leak Plume Gusher Disaster Video00:30

BP Gulf Oil Spill Leak Plume Gusher Disaster Video

BP is making so much oil,
that some of it cant wait to get drilled!

There are no War Crimes, those are libural lies! Everyone knows that was an unavoidable accident and accidents happens! Isnt that right, Rond?

According with BP's own Judge a Fair and Balance Judge, BP has committed no crime whatsoever.

Emergency UpdateEdit

Great News!!! BP just saved the Planet! Where is their Medal of Freedom?

Good News!!Edit

Thanks to the powers of the Free Market, BP wont have to worry regarding the clean up bill! The American people love Oil so much that this one is on them!

Super Emergency UpdateEdit

BP is running out of ideas to stop this massive environmental disaster and it is asking Real Americans to come up with ideas on how to stop the increasing liability, before the flood of lawsuits arrive BP has assured us that they have a bunch of ideas on how to stop the dripping oil, but they decided that instead they wanted to run a contest so that every single American can participate in the rescue effort! You can be a Hero and save The Gulf Coast (and take a share of the liability!)

BP's spill contest is bringing the Nation together at it's darkest hour! BP is asking Real Americans to use their gut and their entrepreneurial spirit to come up with an awesomest and creative plan to save America! And if BP chooses your idea you win a free t-shirt and bragging rights!

CALL NOW AT: +1 281 366 5511 Before is too late!!!



Legal Disclaimer: Under conditions of the contest, BP gets to claim legal rights on taking all the credit of saving America under the penalty of liability. However, if such plan fails to deliver the salvation of the Gulf Coast all liabilities and lawsuits, by the transitive property of congruency, will be transferred to the winner of the contest, therefore making BP forever blameless of the accident.

Celebrities That Support BPEdit

Big Oilmance (Original) - BP Oil Spill Parody05:04

Big Oilmance (Original) - BP Oil Spill Parody

Good News!!
Lady GaGa Supports BP and their Products!
She Loves BP So Much That She Made a Jingle
(For Free!)

BP's Bounty of SolutionsEdit

Pollutionplanet

BP's Board of Directors

  • Top Hat
  • Top Kill
  • Tap Dancing
  • Move operations to a third world country: Alaska

Emergency UpdateEdit

BP's Exclusive Photo GalleryEdit

BP - Bringing People Together00:43

BP - Bringing People Together

Brown is The New Green!
You Are Welcome!

PR Campaign To Change BP's Image as PollutersEdit

BP has suggested to re-brand the Gulf Coast, from hence forth it shall be known as the 'Oilcean', this way people will stop complaining regarding the oil spill in the sea. Instead they should be complaining regarding the the water in our oil!

Map of The Places That BP Hasnt Managed to Stain: They Are Working Hard to Change ThatEdit

Bpamericamap

The bad news is that Florida would soon be changing it's color,
the good news is that Black is the new Black!

BP Cares Twitter PageEdit

Bptwitter

We regret to inform you that BPCares has accidentally crashed spilled on Twitter

BP Saves The Planet: The ReduxEdit

Back by popular demands, plus we wanted a second chance.

BP's Hungarian OperationsEdit

Due to recent events, BP has decided to shut down their operations in Hungary and move them to the US.


Hippie Communist Eco-Terrorist NewsEdit

They are gathering...

It's a Miracle!Edit

After BP cleaning the bill oil spill we received news that a magical oil field has emerged on the gulf. No one knows where the oil came from since BP has already cleaned the oil spill, so this oil has mysterious origins. It is a miracle!

InvestigationEdit

This is an emergency, a gotcha media is going to investigate the BP disaster and release critical information that could hurt our profits... wait, is going to be on PBS?... never mind then.

Life After the SpillEdit

Now that the press is gone and BP was able to launch a successful PR campaign we can go back to our lives!

Look the little peasants are even going to throw a party for us to give us thanks, they are gathering pitchforks and torches for the event. I dont know why would they need those but you know peasants, they are so silly!

Updates:Edit

Great News! Government finally captures oil spill monster, justice is served!

BP Wins 2010 Best Year in Safety AwardEdit

Good work, guys! Your CEOs will receive the usual bonus this year!

2011Edit

BP still remembers... something... what was it again?...

See AlsoEdit

BP's Official TubesEdit

BP Turnaround (Parody)02:40

BP Turnaround (Parody)

Say Goodbye to BP and Hello to
"Babby Otter Smiles & Co"!

BP's OfficesEdit

  • BP America c/o Tony Hayward; 501 Westlake Park Blvd Houston, TX 77079

External TubesEdit

Bpvsbp

BP Message to Fakers. Stop Bugging Them! They Are Too Busy Making Oil Money Fixing The Problem

It's a Miracle! It's Raining Oil!!! Hallelujah!

NOTESEdit

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These notes are for parody use only.
Feel free to edit them to your heart's content.
Please delete this template when you are finished.
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