The Boy Scouts, or the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) is a private group which reflects the very best America has to offer and wants from its impressionable young men.
Contrary to popular belief, the Boy Scouts are not actual "scouts". The only Reconnaissance they partake in is making sure its safe to go to the bathroom without the Scoutmaster offering to help them complete the requirements of their "synchronize urination" merit badge.
On my honor,
I will do my best to do my duty to God and my party
and to obey the Scout Law;
to help Christian people at all times;
to keep myself physically straight,
and sexually straight.
The Origin of Boy ScoutsEdit
The BSA was officially started by Teddy Roosevelt in 1897, who dressed up small boys in military uniforms and paraded them in front of his enemies during the Battle of Bull Run. Since, from a distance, the boys appeared to be full grown soldiers (albeit much farther away), they provided the distraction to the enemy mortars Roosevelt needed. It is said 386 boys went missing that day, though the Department of Defense continues to assert the boys "earned their Life Badge."
The organization gained a boost in 1930s Germany, 1950s Russia and 1960s Alabama as a way to "instill the very best discipline and guidance a government can provide."  Until 1983, all scouts, upon graduation, were given their own knife kit, camping gear, and cyanide capsules (in case of capture).
Younger boys now have their own version of scouting, called "Cubs," which began in 2004. Unlike the tan-colored uniforms, Cubs wear the traditional blue, a standard color to mask the onset of blood when a bear mauls the boy for posing as one of its offspring. Cubs label themselves as a "Bear" or "Wolf" or "Ferret" but there is no direct evidence that physical transformation into these animals is required for membership.
Requirements for Becoming a ScoutEdit
Any boy twelve years of age or older can join an authorized Boy Scout troop. Some minor exceptions exist, however, including homosexuals, jews, blacks, anyone of ethnic origin, magical creatures, the handicapable, fat kids, girls, goths, stoners, midgets and anyone who does not speak English as a primary language.
- ↑ Alvin Frukensheidel, All Hail Scouting!, 1972M
As Scouting is designed to teach boys valuable life and survival skills, one skill supersedes the rest: gravity-powered car racing. A pinewood derby is held after boys' fathers either carve or purchase a small wooden car, greases, paints and prepares it, then allows the boys to "race" the car while eating store-bought cake and/or chili.
This process of allowing someone else to do the work while the boy gets the credit is designed to instill traditional American values. Some claim that underground "Ultimate Pinewood Derbies" exist, allowing women and other unmentionables to participate, using cars tricked out with engines and other means. Any cabals of this sort have, according to BSA insiders, been routed out and exterminated.
Camping is essential to Scouting. It has been noted that boys who suffer deprivation, biting insects, poor food, cold nights and other miseries prove more grateful and compliant.
Camping -- and all associated consequences associated with "becoming a man" -- was mandatory until 1998, when a Supreme Court decision (Thomas v. BSA) forced the BSA to stop burying boys where they died during camping and/or hiking outings. The annual "Deliverance" white water rafting trip for all older scouts was also canceled in 2007, due to complaints.
Merit Badges are earned by scouts as their perform great and wondrous deeds. In truth, these badges are primarily completed by the scouts' mothers, but the scouts receive the credit (see previous - Pinewood Derby)
Killing bears earns you a decapitate bear head badge.
- First Aid
- Citizenship in the Nation
- Furry Animal Spotting
- Snot Rocketry
- Hamstring Guitar
- Dog Fighting
- Cock Fighting
- Magazine Reading
- Knife Wielding
- hypocrisy badgeEpisode #511
- apocalypse badgeEpisode #511
Every BSA member is equipped with a field guide on how to scout for bears. Notice the bear on the Cub Scouting Indoctrination Handbook (see left) is wearing a disguise and is obviously trying to confuse the scouts by pointing away from America's great values. Scouts always have to be prepared, especially when it comes to bears in disguises. (This bear was waterboarded the next day.)
What Is It With Eagle Scouts?Edit
Eagle Scouts are the best kind of boy scouts. They help Eagles Scout for Bears. This is not to be confused with older scouts scouting out younger scouts, as that implies naughty things, and scouts are never, never, naughty.
There is a rarely discussed higher award, "The Arrow of Light," which requires some kind of flesh sacrifice and/or personal vision quest involving personal mutilation and smoke-fueled drugs. No one who has attempted to earn this award is on record for having accomplished it.
What Is It With Explorers?Edit
Famous Former Boy ScoutsEdit
- Donald Rumsfeld
- Dick Cheney
- Michael Moore
- Bill Clinton
- Dr. Peter Agre
- Indiana Jones
- Bill Gates
- Gerald Ford
- Ronald Reagan
- Jack Murtha