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Bear Hunters of America

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Bear Hunters of America
is a member of the Bear Hunters of America.
Be Scared, Bears.
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BHA-n

"The T", "The Nuge", "The Legend", "The Ranger", and "The Lord and Savior"

The Bear Hunters of America are an ancient society that predates almost everything. These 5 superheroes helped cleanse the Earth of its original evil bear inhabitants.

"The T" Edit

Mr.T - The Driver and Negotiator of the team. Often disables his enemies with his intelligent and insightful life lessons, and has the uncanny ability of "pity".

"The Nuge" Edit

Ted Nugent - The Gunman of the team. He will shoot anything at anything. However, he often finds himself learning a lesson in the end.

"The Legend" Edit

Stephen Colbert - Beautiful leader, strongman, idea guy, and founding member. He recruited this crack team of warriors to cleanse the earth for the not yet existing human race. He single-handedly destroyed the ancient bear race known as the kaketsu. Their race practiced satanism, so Stephen destroyed them. Stephen Colbert should be named king of America for such an accomplishment.

Hot and sexy, Stephen Colbert, a.k.a. "The Legend" has the complete power of Awesome. He wields Awesome with such force, skill, finesse, and truthiness that none can stand up to his Skills of Awesome.

Not only is Stephen capable of wielding the power of Awesome, but his ability to roast is just as potent. in fact, when he roasts people (bears especially) it creates a Time Dilation Field in which the sufferer experiences many eons of pain, torture, and mental anguish, while onlookers see the person flash in a big bang of exploding Awesome.

Stephen's Gravitas is perhaps his most potent weapon, with his amount of Gravitas, each display of it crushes a star into a black hole. The only reason our Sun hasn't collapsed is because Stephen said so. If one faces a full force of Stephen's Gravitas, well, it is unknown what would happen since no one has survived. Only Stephen knows what happened, and it is impossible to penetrate that oh so manly man that he is.


Doo wop bingle.

"The Ranger" Edit

Chuck Norris - Official asskicker of the team. Always has guns, but can't ever seem to actually shoot anyone. However, he never needs to, as his asskicking skills are superior to almost all.

"The Lord and Savior" Edit

Jesus - The team magician. Can create anything out of anything. But mostly, his duties consist of turning water into wine to keep Ted Nugent hammered.

"Optimus Prime" Edit

A former hippie, he has reformed his life and as well as a bear killing machine is a mode of transportation for the team.


Founding Members Edit

Abraham Lincoln - or "Abe" as he preferred to be called was one of the founding fathers of the Bear Hunters of America; although in the 1860's the organization was not known as the BHA.

Born in Kentucky and raised in Illinois, Abraham Lincoln found himself fighting off bears just to survive. A bear lover would eventually assassinate him in 1865.

Henry Ford grew up fighting bears alongside Abe or as Ford liked to call him Hammy for he was relitively tubby. At the age of 9 Ford gained the ability of lazer vision and "Hammy" gained the ability to lose weight.

Junior Members Edit

"Gold" Edit

James Bond is a junior member of the BHA. He is practices his hunting skills on communists so that he will be ready when he is promoted to a full Bear Hunter. He is disguised a British secret agent to hide his junior member status from bear spies. If any member of the BHA is killed (an unlikely event), or otherwise unable to fulfill his duties (much more likely in the case of Ted Nugent), James Bond will take his place on the BHA roster.

"Nasty Nas" Edit

Nas is a junior member of the BHA. He is practices his hunting skills on racists so that he will be ready when he is promoted to a full Bear Hunter. He is disguised a black rapper to hide his junior member status from bear spies. If any member of the BHA is killed (an unlikely event), or otherwise unable to fulfill his duties (much more likely in the case of Ted Nugent), Nas will take his place on the BHA roster.

"The Pearl" Edit

A sex addict outside of the job, and a valued member. He is also a member of Colbert Nation and shot an illegal mexican while stopping an abortion of an un-wed teenager at the same time. Other Qualifications: He may have gotten bad grades in school, but will always have his PhD (Pretty Huge Dick).

"Ye" Edit

Kanye West (Secret Republican), is known to have Japanese superpowers, although he is an African-American rapper. In accompaniment with Nasty Nas, Jesus is the closest member to him.

"Phantom Duck"Edit

Yes, your own illustrious Duck has killed a bear, bare handed, with Ted Nugent. After four days in a tree stand with Ted, consuming nothing besides Verner's Ginger Ale and Slim Jims and suffering from "Cat Scratch Fever," wrestling that bear was a vacation.

Rejected members Edit

  1. Superman
  2. Harry Potter
  3. Ghandi
  4. Oprah Winfrey

Meetings Edit

The members have never actually met. Any more than one in a single place would break Reality, removing all Warning labels on Coffee, deleting all mentions of Paris Hilton from People Magazine, and destroying everything else that America represents.

See Also Edit

Bear Watching

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