|Profiles in Conservativism|
|George H. W. Bush|
Barry Goldwater is an ancient titan who stole from the gods the Fire of Conservatism and gave it to the American people. The Eastern liberal gods who ruled over the land in those times were angry, for with this fire, the people would not need the gods, as the fire granted the self-knowledge that the people could think for themselves and did not need the liberal media to tell them what to do.
The Father of the Eastern liberal gods, Lyndon Johnson, was enraged when he found that Goldwater had revealed the secret of the Fire to the American people. In a fit of rage, he ordered Barry Goldwater chained to a great rock on a mountainside near Flagstaff for all eternity, where every day, Bill Moyers and Jack Valenti would swoop in and eat out his liver.
However, William F. Buckley Jr. and Ronald Reagan honored Goldwater, took pity on his fate and used their conservative powers to perform an ancient rite (quite different from the horrid, blasphemous necromancy attempted in modern times by the stemcellocracy) healing back his liver every night, thus allowing him to survive the savage attacks visited upon him by the minions of Johnson.
The Ghost of Barry GoldwaterEdit
Much like the other great ghosts of Conservatism (Ronald Reagan's Ghost and The Ghost of Tricky Dick), The Ghost of Barry Goldwater has been cleansed of all human impurities, such as mistake-making, compromise-making, and humanity.
Like his ghostly confederates, The Ghost of Barry Goldwater can now be seen in the afterlife how he was never seen in life-life: political perfection, not just in ideology, but in deed as well.
The Perfection of Barry GoldwaterEdit
- Barry never paid for a prostitute
- Barry never slept with an underage boy
- Barry never owned slaves
- Barry always shared his best pot with whoever asked
- Barry's eyes never wandered
- Barry always kept his hands to himself
- Barry always went to his doctor if his erections lasted longer than four hours