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American-Indian War

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American-Indian War

  • Waged: 1492-1917
  • Geographic Region: America
  • Winner: America, of course.
  • Loser: Countless hoards of Indians
Participants
Winning Participants: America












Losing Participants: The Iroquois, Oneidas, Osage, Tuscaroras, Cherokees, Chickamaugas, Muskogee, Shawnee, Miami, Lenape, Choctaws, Seminoles, Apache, Sioux, Utes, Cheyenne, Nez Perce, Paiute, Bannock, Yaqui, Navajo, along with approximately 400 other Indian Nations.
Deciders
Winning Decider: Presidents Christopher Columbus through President Woodrow Wilson.



Losing Decider: Dragging Canoe, Tecumseh, Tenskwatawa, Crazy Horse, Red Cloud, Little Crow, Sitting Bull, Geronimo, Chief Licksondiks, Two Dogs Fucking.
Casualties
Winning Casualties:
~ 9,000 Military
~ 150,000 Civilans
Dozens of School Mascots.
Losing Casualties: 190 Billion Combatants.



The Indian Wars was a war between the America's first terroristsand the peaceful, white colonists of America. This war was not one large, on-going war, but rather a series of multiple wars where America mostly totally kicked ass. Perhaps the phrase "Manifest Destiny" doesn't translate so well into Indian.

Cowboys indians

Not even children were immune to the fighing.

The First American SettlersEdit

The first civilized people to step forth on America's Continent came in peace, so as long as the Native Indians followed two simple rules:

Simple Rules For Peace between Indians and Americans
1. Continue to move westward as white people settle.
2. Decrease your birth rate, and increase your death rate.

Unfortunately for them, the Indians found these unreasonably reasonable conditions unacceptable.

Christopher ColumbusEdit

When our first unofficial President, Christopher Columbus landed his 4 vessels on America's Continent in 1492, he immediately encountered some of the native Indians. He was surprised by how savage, uncivilized, and backwards these people were-they didn't even have running water. He was also startled by how friendly these people were...a little too friendly.

Every man, women, and child ripped off their clothes and offered to fornicate with Christopher Columbus and his noble crew. Quickly identifying these people as Godless heathens, who worshiped gold, Columbus rid these people of their sinful vice. In this case Columbus was so kind to take their gold so far away (to Spain under the watchful eye of the Queen) so they would not be tempted.

The First ThanksgivingEdit

After sailing across the Sea aboard the USS Mayflower, dodging Kraken along the way, the Pilgrims had their first Thanksgiving with the Indians. This uncoincidentally, was also the place of the first football game (Redskins vs. Patriots) among the two peoples. However the glee from the premiere of this annual festival wore off quickly, for as the Indians undercooked their bean casserole causing everyone to get sick.

Indianmassacre

The scene after the first football game...the Indians were sore losers.

Indian AtrocitiesEdit

Even after Christopher Columbus took their (sinful) gold away from them, and even after the Pilgrims showed the Indians how to play football, it became apparent that the peace could not last.

From the moment the peace-loving Americans stepped foot on America's Continent, the Indian's peace-loving, Jesus-accepting façade quickly evaporated to show their collective heart to be black as coal.

The Indians soon became notorious for their savageness, cannibalism, love of "firewater", inhumanity, and genocidal slaughter of Christians and all those who were different from them.

The Roanoke MassacreEdit

In 1585, God-fearing colonists settled in Roanoke, North Carolina, and just over two years later, disappeared. Such a disappearance might be explained that they were absorbed into local Indian tribes, or moved away, or tried to go back to England, or that even the Spanish destroyed the colony. These of course would be all wrong.

The truth is that these people were tricked, slaughtered (and possibly eaten) by the Indians. We even know the Tribe, the "Croatoans". If you were to visit what remains of this settlement today, you would find a magical tree. Normally trees are evil, and to be cut down whenever possible, but not this tree. This tree clearly displays the letters "CROATOAN" on its tree skin. This tree witnessed the whole massacre, and has displayed the perpetrators of this atrocity for the last 700 years.

Other MassacresEdit

  • 1540 - Mexican, Hernando de Soto's town was burned to the ground, women and children were bayoneted in front of their husbands/fathers. 25,000 dead.
  • 1622 - Pocahontas lead tens of thousands of Indian warriors to Jamestown, Virginia. Here they buried alive some 16,500 Christian monks.
  • 1764 - 1,400 pregnant Delawarean women were forced to eat their involuntarily aborted fetuses.
  • 1854 - Indians even hate the Troops. They killed 29 sleeping soldiers on leave from Iraq.
  • 1859 - 37,567 Americans were machine-gunned to death in South Dakota.
  • 1887 - What would an Indian massacre be without a good 'ole fashion scalping? Indians ambushed a gaggle of Girl Scouts while they were selling cookies. Indians not as successful selling scalps as the girls were cookies. (Note: Scalping was only done by Indians!!!)

Major BattlesEdit

Most of the wars between America and Indians were as a result of the Indians not following rule #1, mentioned above.

AndGodSaidGoKillIndians

Manifest Destiny was not just the belief that the United States was divinely ordained to conquer the American Continent, but also commanded by God himself.

Battle Of Fallen TimbersEdit

After President George Washington decided to expand America and allow white people to settle in places like Ohio and Indiana, violence soon erupted. After violating rule #1, an army lead by General John Wayne went to battle the Indians at the Battle of Fallen Timbers.

The Americans benefiting from a 3-1 advantage in manpower, 12-1 advantage in firepower, and 12,242-1 advantage in brainpower, easily crushed the Indians.

Indian Removal ActEdit

Much like today with the Mexicans, the USA of 1830 found themselves flooded with illegal aliens. One man had the balls to do something about it. President Andrew Jackson signed the Indian Removal Act to stop Indian trespassing in 1830.

And of course these lawbreakers again refused to comply with Rule #1. The United States clearly violated no treaty (nor ever!!) with these trespassers (and loiterers). We purchased the land from Spain. But Fair is fair, if the Indians wanted that land for themselves, they should have bought it from Spain before we did.

Red Cloud's WarEdit

Red Cloud and his people were recently awarded the plains of the Dakotas, this land was a "gift" given to them as a peace offering by the United States. The land was given under the assumption that it would be perfect for Indian habitation—no natural resources. But when gold was found in the Black Hills, the US found another stretch of land that was even more perfect for the Indians.

One unappreciative Lakotan Indian, Red Cloud lead a series of 9/11-ish sneak attacks against the United States. Historians would tell you that Red Cloud was so successful against the US Army, that he was never defeated. But what they won't tell you is that the ones leading these American Armies against the Indians were idiots. Dr. Colbert's goldfish, Anthrax could lead men better than these hapless commanders.

Custerslaststand

This historically accurate painting shows Custer and his men meeting their fate, while at the same time slaying 5,000 Indians each....at least.

Battle Of Little Big HornEdit

You can think of the Battle of Little Big Horn as kind of "The Alamo" of the Indian Wars. It is also known as "Custer's Last Stand" through the actions of brave but humane, non-racist Civil War hero named General George Custer. While real Alamo had Davy Crockett, Little Big Horn had a man in Custer who like Crockett, gallantly stayed to die with his men.

Custer and his men, although outnumbered 750:1, fought bravely and were able to hold of the Indian hordes 30 minutes 30 days before being totally annihilated. Even after he and his men ran out of ammunition, he would not surrender. Not because he would have been the Indians dinner that night, but rather because he wanted history to be the judge of his legacy; not the Godless indians or liberal media.

America TriumphsEdit

Despite the patriotism generated in Americans after Custer's Last Stand, events like Red Cloud were becoming all to frequently. America's decider at that time decided to win the war making unfair treaties, that could later be broken with no consequence through peace. To show their good intentions, the United States gave the cold, suffering Indians an offering of blankets.

Through divine intervention, all the blankets were somehow infected with smallpox. Coincidentally, unlike the white Americans, the Indians had no immunity to the disease whatsoever! Further depleting the Indians' will to fight was the gift of Alcohol. Indians still to this day, love their alcoholic beverages. So much so, that they refuse to get jobs so they can spend all day, every day with their beloved elixirs. FACT!©

Jimthorpe

This Indian, named Jim Thorpe, has even learned how to play football (probably not very well). Who would have imagined?

Americanization Of IndiansEdit

After America kicked the Indians' collective asses, the Indians soon realized that they would go nowhere but to hell if they kept up their current ways. All Indians soon wanted to be like the whiteman (who can blame them?). America was happy to help. This process of turning a savage Indian into a proper human being was called "Americanization".

Indians were taught to speak American, converted to Catholicism and taught in Indian Boarding Schools to standards of white America. There was absolutely NO truth to the rumors of rampant sexual, emotional, physical and mental abuses occurring at these schools.

Americanization was such a success that those who describe themselves as "Indians" have decreased over 90% over last 500 years.

American-Indian Relations TodayEdit

Even though liberals will deny it, the war between Americans and Indians continues today. Like the terrorists of today, the Indians are now too cowardly to fight a traditional war against America. Instead, they are currently employing tactics that try to ruin our finances, and even take away our favorite team's identity.

Tobacco: The hidden war against American Lungs!Edit

Few remember that the Red Man introduced tobacco to White Americans via the cigarette. It has been the most insidious bane on the patriotic lungscape ever since. Damn you vile weed!

Very well written piece. As an oanrgic chemist, I have always felt CO2 and methane got a bad rap. I have no way to confirm it, but I believe they focused on the higher infrared absorbance only and did not factor in the specific heats of the gases for their computer models. CO2 and methane require about 25% more energy to heat than the other atmospheric gases, so the different physical properties may combine for a zero net greenhouse effect. Water vapor is the real greenhouse gas, but it seems arrogant to claim we can control weather when they are not even that good at researching it. Well done. Very well written piece. As an oanrgic chemist, I have always felt CO2 and methane got a bad rap. I have no way to confirm it, but I believe they focused on the higher infrared absorbance only and did not factor in the specific heats of the gases for their computer models. CO2 and methane require about 25% more energy to heat than the other atmospheric gases, so the different physical properties may combine for a zero net greenhouse effect. Water vapor is the real greenhouse gas, but it seems arrogant to claim we can control weather when they are not even that good at researching it. Well done.

Extinction Of The School MascotEdit

Once abundant in massive herds throughout the United States, their numbers are now so small, they face total eradication. Sadly it appears that these once magnificent creatures will only exist in school photographs, and in trophy rooms.

So far the Indians have only targeted schools with Indian mascots. This is no consolation to proud school mascots formerly known as the Southeastern Oklahoma State Savages, they now are the Savage Storm. The Springfield College Chiefs, are now known as the "(Gay)Pride". Still even under the threat of decreased funding, some schools are bravely refusing to change their mascots. These include:

  • Alcorn State University (Braves)
  • Central Michigan University (Chippewas)
  • Florida State University (Seminoles)
  • Midwestern State University (Indians)
  • University of Utah (Utes)
  • Carthage College (Redmen)
  • Bradley University (Braves)
  • Arkansas State University (Indians)
  • University of Illinois (Illini)
  • McMurry University (Indians)
  • Mississippi College (Choctaws)
  • University of North Dakota (Fighting Sioux)
Devilslakesatans

Even non-Indian mascots are starting to be changed. The Devil's Lake Satans changed their mascot in 2002.

Some argue that this is a deliberate tactic by the Indians of starving us of our sports teams. By taking away the creatures that provide us with cheer, and a common public identity, the Indians could accomplish such a horror. For without mascots, our sports teams would have no reason to exist.

Save the MascotsEdit

Get involved to keep these mascots from extinction.

Other Than ThatEdit

But other than that, American-Indian relations couldn't be better given the level of genocide struggle between the two. Today, Indians can vote, and even attend non-Indian Boarding Schools with regular Americans. So things worked out pretty well for everyone.

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