Aliens
From Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia
Contents |
[edit] Know Your Alien Invaders
| Illegal Aliens invade America to take our jobs, overcrowd our hospitals, and overtax our police!! |
Aliens come in many different styles.
[edit] Illegal
See main article: Mexican
[edit] Grey
- Greys are the most least common Alien archetype. They are short like Midgets, they have large eyes. They are deceptively defenseless looking. They're main power is one of making the abductee understand complicated concepts in such a short time that it takes extended periods of counceling in order to decipher these jumbled thoughts.
Grey Aliens are nothing of not abstract.
Grey aliens are also thought to be the king pins involved in the genetic manipulation affront toward human kind. It is said that these creatures conquer world after world by simply cloning animals which when entered into the food supply are not properly labeled as being from cloned specimen. These food samples then go on to poison those who ingest them by making these people bald, sterile, or subject to carry the gene which creates water-headed babies. For more on the subject of food labeling and genetic manipulation, visit this site.
Greys are also thought to be an inbred and dying race of genetic manipulators who've fallen under the ravenous influence of a Reptillian race who subjugate the Greys, forcing them to conquer worlds for them through the slow but sure means of genetic tampering. Look what happened to The Romans.
[edit] Carnivorous Reptilian
- Carnivorous Reptilians are easily and obviously described. THEY EAT HUMANS DAMNIT! Unlike most alien races, they are not intelligent in the mammal's paradigm. They kill for food, and mating rights, simple as that. They have no technology of their own but their use and domination of the Greys is well documented and known. The situation between the Reptilians and the Greys is best examplified and dramatized in high schools across America as well as The film trilogy "Back to the Future" where Biff like Reptilians subject McFly like Greys to horrendous and unspeakable tortures, as well as making the Greys do their homework. It is thought that these Back to the Future films were made as a guide to illustrate a hopeful understanding of what genetic and technological uprisings could accomplish for the Greys. Given those films star's involvement in genetics in this new century, some wonder if the Greys were forced to make a joke of humans by the once thought humorless Reptilians.
[edit] Body Snatchers
- Body Snatchers inhabit the bodies of their prey in order to dramatically accomplish their heinous goals. These aliens are markedly different in their approach toward success and are usually discovered by half witted, everyman heroes who discover an item through what most would deem divine intervention. Usually this item is so non descript that the hero in question has trouble coming to grips with it's amazing clandestine power.
[edit] Bugs
- Bugs are exactly that, bugs. They act as bugs do on earth, they exist in colonies, take orders from centralized, naturally selected governing bodies, and eat humans, many times starting with the tasty soft tissue of the brain organ. They are relentless, as most aliens are and do not display what mammals would consider a concience.
[edit] Hot Ones
- Hot ones Bee'n green don't make 'em mean baby! Just be sure to bag it* least she impregnate you! *Catholics may choose to "play ball in the off season"
[edit] Alien Abductions
Aliens are scary and short with big heads, big black eyes, and usually no clothes.They are evil, and they make the Baby Jesus cry. Also, most Aliens are liberal communists allied with bears, because of the bears' strong hold on the planet Bearpiter.
[edit] How To Escape From An Alien Abduction
If you are in the process of being abducted by an alien, then you must run away very quickly to avoid being vaporized or studied anally or otherwise.
If you choose to be a true American and fight the alien, here are some facts to know:
- A Tin Foil Hat is a sure way to avoid having your mind probed.
- Grey alien's weak points are their big bulging eyes. They may have other weak points, but considering we have no idea on how to tell genders apart, this will not help you.
- See if you can find their other weak point. It's like kicking a guy it the nuts, only with aliens. It will be hard to find, but once they're on the floor screaming you can make your escape. Remember where you hit them, because the Alien Mafia will be after you big time. If they they find you, then you'll be sleeping with the small alien aquatic creatures, if they exist on their planet.
- If the alien is armed, then kick the weapon out of their hand, otherwise you will be vaporized, or anally probed.
- Some species of aliens have been known to read minds. If you feel a probing in your mind, keep all thoughts away from world leaders (unless they're communist liberals). Instead, think about Paris Hilton, because nobody wants her here anyways, and if we're lucky, we might give the alien race herpes.
- Apply for an international copyright, trademark and any other applicable certificate of ownership. Nothing crushes a mind reader like multi-national intellectual property rights, except maybe for keeping your stupid mouth shut after sleeping with an alien's girlfriend before he steps up and marries her.
- Use full and complete sentances. Also, preserve a premium on using full words instead of their "Text Message" counterparts. Nobody likes a smart ass, least of all a wordy one.
- Do not under any circumstances apply carbon based logic on any encounter with aliens. They are not human, for all you know, a simple puff of smoke from a tasty cigarrette applied to their air space could vaporize them into thin air. If that doesn't work, do not assume that they can kick your ass, it's very likely that their old, space travel takes time, and let's face it, no amount of martial arts training can prepare an alien for having his ears bit off Tyson style. Also, never forget the wisdom held in The Three Stooges agressive negotiating style, fork at the large vacant eyes, leverage you're windmill punches effectively, starting the circular windmill motion by forcing it's movement with the other hand first.
- Do not hesitate to destroy the offspring of any alien. Grey, Reptilian and Bug aliens especially, are very partial to their children. When justice needs to be done and the alien in question is not about, crushing the alien's pod inhabiting offspring is a simple way to bring the situation to a final and satisfyingly dramatic, yet possibly gooey end. It's fun and easy, and during alien encounters rules and codes do not apply. For more on this check out the Mark Foley method.
- Always spit on and yell at the aliens. They are a proud bunch but do not deserve your respect. Remember, if an alien is in your way, it's because his boss forced him into being there. If a person could buy stock in an aliens parent company and describe in detail his grievances at some sort of stockholder get together, things would be simple. Failing that, an aliens pride is usually his undoing, urinating on the alien's shoes is also a good tactic.
- Use the Axl Rose method. When Axl was set upon by a Shape Shifter known by most only as Michelle, he wrote a catchy song about her. Being that she was in fact an alien, and was at the time of her first hearing the song, performing fellaciao on Rose in hopes at best mimicing his form for operational gain, her reaction was one of elation. Later, this Michelle was killed in a very sudden car accident and Axl won the day by surviving, at least that's what the suits would have you believe. It is speculated that Michelle actually killed Axl, and then spent the 16 years between Guns'N'Roses albums, learning to sing like Axl, in hopes of spreading alien propaganda to unsuspecting music fans the world over, EG; "Chinese Democracy", a bastardized form of The American Republic's Democracy. Shape shifters are nothing if not fastidious.
- See if you can find their weak point. It's like kicking a guy it the nuts, only with Aliens. It will be hard to find, but once they're on the floor screaming you can make your escape. Remember where you hit them, because the Alien Mafia will be after you big time. If they they find you, then you'll be sleeping with the small alien aquatic creatures, if they exist on their planet.
