Acts of God
From Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia
 Acts of God are so called because The Holy Father has to act to punish His onery children (by turning the existential car around and give you a good reason to cry).
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| ~ The Holy Bible, Book of Stephen |
Acts Of God or "Natural Disasters" are events that are created by God in response to his disapproval of the sinful behavior of the Immoral Minority, weed out the unfaithful, or to test his children. Atheists co-opted the phrase "Act of God" in 1912 with to disparage God's infinite wisdom, while at the same time ignoring the good God does i.e. rainbows, crop growth, and MILFS.
[edit] Varieties of Acts of God
[edit] Tornado
Tornadoes are storms that create damaging winds. These winds so great that they are capable of lifting houses and dropping them on witches. It is for this reason that tornadoes are another way in which God "suffers not a witch to live".
A popular tornado myth says that one will be safe if they go in their basement during a tornado. This may work well for a surface tornado, but it is totally ineffective against a "basement tornado" .
Tornadoes aid tremendously in the otherwise stagnant rate of occupancy turnover in trailer parks. This is mainly because somehow trailer homes act as a "magnet" to tornadoes. Considering this, the most effective method of surviving a tornado remains for one to get into a car, and drive away from it...works every time!
[edit] Hurricane
- For more information, see main article: Hurricane
Hurricanes are giant swirling storms which are said to originate in the fictitious continent of Africa. They give groups such as the Red Cross an opportunity to "fundraise" and stuff their coffers with the cash of sympathetic, but ignorant Americans. Hurricanes create instances of mass evacuations of millions of people, but then again so does Godzilla. Coincidentally both of these two events frequently occur in Japan.
There is no wonder to why hurricanes are all named after women, they have quite a few things in common. For instance, they both have nice comfortable holes in them in which you must successfully navigate the rest of the body to get to. In addition, they both arrive wet and full of energy, then they both unleash their fury and "mudslides". And in the end, they both take off with most of your stuff. On the positive, hurricanes provide an excellent opportunity for George W. Bush to show how little how much he loves black people.
[edit] Earthquake
- For more information, see main article: Earthquake
If you have ever wondered if it was possible to "shake the gay" out of all the pinkos in California? You are not alone, but unfortunately it doesn't work...God has repeatedly tried this, in the form of Earthquakes. Strangely it only seems to exacerbate the situation. As mentioned, earthquakes only happen in godless states such California and Nevada, and sometimes in Alaska (to keep the bears on their toes).
Although it is of lesser importance to know how earthquakes occur rather than just why, still some theories exist explaining their cause. One explanation could be that earthquakes are a result of cave ins of the millions of miles of tunnels dug by illegal aliens in southern California. Earthquakes are also speculated to occur as a result of seismic waves traveling through the Earth when every Chinese person decides to jump up and down at the same time.
[edit] Flood
Floods are an Act of God that offers a greater amount of photo ops than your average disaster. What other disaster would you be able to see pictures of Firemen rescue kittens from trees? Or people rowing canoes down Main St.? Or even the oft-used cliché photograph of Black people looting convenience stores? Good luck finding another such disaster.
Floods most often occur near or below sea level. So the best way in which one could avoid being involved in a flood, is to not live in flood prone areas. It is surprising how many people don't realize this after even after their house is under 15 feet of water.
Floods provide some benefits to the environment and humans as well. Floods can transport aquatic animals to new habitat, from pond to pond, or river to river, or even house to house if the water is high enough. They also provide extra days off from work for the evacuated while at the same time refilling their swimming pools.
[edit] Wildfires
Wildfires or "Forest Fires" are another useful tool used by God to keep nature in check. What better way to stop the never ending advance of vegetation towards our cities than by burning it? More importantly it disrupts the activities of the creatures who live in the forest. Nothing muddles the plots of bears and nature-worshiping hippies more than a 2500° F firestorm speeding towards them at 35 mph.
Wildfires are always caused by either lightning or dragons. Furthermore, we can safely assume that there has never been an instance of a human causing one for fear of being instantly mauled to death by Smokey The Bear. How can one safely protect their homes from the threat of wildfires? Try making your home out of materials other than wood, or better yet, make sure your home is insulated completely with the flame-retardant asbestos, no harm will come to you then.
[edit] Plague
- For More Information, see main articles: The AIDS, The Black Death.
Plagues and diseases of all sorts have historically been an unique way of God ridding the world of its sinners, but without the collateral damage associated with many of His other acts. For these plagues only infect those who God is displeased with-in the case of The AIDS it is often homosexuals (and sometimes blacks), and with The Black Death, it was Protestants and other Pagans that received His wrath.
AIDS in particular is an opportunistic disease, meaning that it often affects people that immune deficiencies due to having a previous disease on the likes of The Herpes, Belly Ache, and Homosexuality. Plague could be spread to its intended victims through many ingenious and inventive methods. Plague could be spread through rats, anal sex, and sharing; and with the special case of AIDS, through kissing.
[edit] Volcano
Volcanoes are a way of God rearranging the landscape when its current configuration displeases him. If he thinks a mountain is too pointy? Bam!, off goes the top. Not enough islands in the ocean? Poof!, one forms from the bottom of the sea.
As previously mentioned, volcano erupts whenever God doesn't like something nearby. This could be something as simple as lava blocking or reverting a river to deny bears drinking water and instead create a lake for bald eagle nesting. Or eruptions can be used to kill off groups of Russians like in the eruption of Huaynaputina in 1600, or even prevent sufficient sunlight reaching the Earth-as in the "The year without a summer" in 1816.
Volcanoes are a favorite fixation of many different cults. Satanists love the fire and brimstone, and Hawaiians love the human sacrifice aspect of volcanoes. But head and shoulders above the rest in their volcanophilia are the Scientologists. But of course the reason for their volcano love is top secret!
[edit] Blizzard
Blizzards are heavy snowstorms associated with freezing temperatures, along with high winds. Even in today's advanced technology, such events will force people to hoard canned foods, burn furniture for warmth, and ultimately cause loved ones eat each other.
But a Blizzard is better known as being a delicious Ice cream treat from Dairy Queen. Our friends over at Dairy Queen are celebrating the 20th Birthday of the Blizzard with an offer of a FREE Blizzard for everyone (with the purchase of one of equal or greater value of course)!! Simply go to http://www.blizzardfanclub.com/ for your free coupon. I bet those hypothetical blizzard victims noted above wished they would have not missed the chance to get their free blizzard right about now.
[edit] Stock Market Crash
- For more information, see: The Invisible Hand of The Market
Another disaster completely uninfluenced by the decisions of (the non-Jewish) man is a stock market crash. It is no coincidence that a bad stock market is called a Bear Market. Like a real bear, a bear market feeds on the fears (and souls) of investors, and in the process creating more fear and whining until the market collapses.
In a forest fire, the only way to put out is by dumping enough water on it. The same general principal exists for solving a stock market crash, although one must substitute money for water in this case. One can prepare for a stock market crash by pulling out all their money from the banks a day or two ahead of time and then investing it in Gold, canned goods, and bullets. Why bullets, you ask? Because it seems (at least in the movies), whenever the world economy collapses into chaos the legions of flesh-eating zombies are soon to follow.
[edit] Other Lesser Acts of God
- Locust Swarms - One had better start to enjoy the taste of grasshoppers if these little buggers come around, because that's all that'll be left.
- Mud Slide - Mud slides (or sometimes landslides) are a result of eating too much Chinese Food.
- Meteor Impact - Scientists will tell you that this act destroyed the dinosaurs, but this is highly unlikely because the dinosaurs never existed, therefore meteors do not exist.
- Killer Bees - Believed to bee from the mythical continent of Africa, these beeings ambush unsuspecting Mexican gardeners doing landscaping in warm places such as Texas.
- Avalanche - Avalanches are another way God disposes of those who are stupid enough to go out in the middle of nowhere to perform idiotic/dangerous activities.
- Famine - Another unlikely act is a famine, were food does not grow. This is unlikely because most famines are said to occur in the fictitious continent of Africa. But if such an event were to occur, all one would have to do is buy food from the grocery store.
- Drought - A drought is when it stops raining for a period of time. Good thing is that there is plenty of water in the ground.
[edit] Famous Acts of God
It is no coincidence that many of the natural disasters cited above have occurred in the Godless State of California (and for good reason). But disasters have happened all over the world throughout history, listed below are some of the more notable.
[edit] The Great Flood (2345 BC)
Everyone knows this story. God was mad at all the humans on earth for immoral behavior (like spying on their sisters while she showered). So God make Noah build a boat, and filled and had him fill it with 2 of each animal (except dinosaurs-too large!). The animals and Noah stayed on the boat for 40 days and nights and didn't eat each other. Then the waters receded and all the animals left the boat, and Noah and his family single-handedly repopulated the earth.
[edit] Destruction of Sodom & Gomorrah (1953 BC)
- See main article: Sodom and Gomorrah.
Like the sister cities of San Francisco and Berkeley, Sodom & Gomorrah were cities filled with the most sinful and wicked peoples. God was so angry with these literal Sodomites, that while they were in the process of "gaying it up", he rained fire from the sky burning both the city and all its inhabitants. God's destruction of these cities was so complete that the ruins were not discovered until 1975! And the word is that the place still reeks of sulfur.
[edit] The Destruction of Pompeii (79 AD)
Pompeii is an example of how God tests his creation to see if they are too stupid see obvious danger approaching. In this case he erupted a volcano near the city of Pompeii. In doing so discovered that these group of Romans were to stupid to 1) not build a city under an active volcano; 2) not run away after the thing started to erupt. Instead the Pompeiites watched as the hot lava and ash slowly crept toward and eventually buried them all.
[edit] The Black Death (1347 AD)
- See main article: The Black Death.
The Black Death was God's punishment of the Europeans for supporting the Protestant Reformation, along with bathing in excrement. One could say it was basically the 14th Century version of The AIDS. This disease (like the plague of Communism) started in the U.S.S.R. and spread throughout Europe infecting millions and killing almost 90% of the old continent's Homosexuals, and scaring straight the rest.
[edit] Peshtigo Fire (1871 AD)
The Great Peshtigo Fire was invariably caused when a Grizzly/Dragon hybrid (or some other type of Godless Killing Machine) purposely kicked over a kerosene lantern and thus starting the largest forest fire of all time. This fire burned some much area, that it eventually spread all the way to Chicago, causing the Great Chicago Fire.
Whether by GKM, lightning, or by some other occurrence, It is no surprise that it did happen because 97% of Wisconsin is covered with trees to begin with (the other 3%,Colby cheese). It was just a matter of time.
[edit] San Francisco Earthquake (1906 AD)
The Great San Francisco Earthquake occurred as a result of teenagers playing too many violent video games (Do you think it was any coincidence the quake originated from the San Andreas fault line?)
It could also be argued that the hoards of recent Chinese immigrants could be blamed because of their love of building railroads. Think about it, Chinese immigrants pounding away at the ground for 12 hours a day, 6 days a week (and the best part is, they loved it so much they did if for less than a dollar a day!) must have made the ground want to lash out in anger at its assailants.
[edit] The Greatest Depression (1929-1939 AD)
- See main articles: The Greatest Depression, The 1929 Stock Market Crash.
The Greatest Depression was an abnormal fluctuation in the invisible hand of the free market. This "invisible hand" which only God controls decided that we had become too pacifistic. After trying to solve the momentary crisis with unsuccessful socialist programs, America soon discovered what would be the key that has made Her economy so great for last 70 years. WAR! The Greatest Depression was only cured by the Greatest War of all time. America has kept this valuable lesson in mind ever since (except for the time after we left Vietnam and consequentially entered a state of hyperinflation).
[edit] The Central China Floods (1931 AD)
This flooding of the Yellow River is easily the most deadly Act of God to this point in history. The flooding caused an estimated that 3¾-4 million deaths (apparently those who never passed swimming lessons) in a single year. However, knowledge of this event received little notice, partly because the death toll consisted of only 1/2000th of China's total population.
[edit] Hurricane Katrina (2005 AD)
- See main article: Hurricane Katrina.
Hurricane Katrina was an act of vengeance in order to rid the city of New Orleans of its looters by drowning. Unfortunately this storm inflicted a great amount of suffering onto many Americans, even those thousands of miles away from ground zero. Even more disheartening is the fact that this great tragedy could have been minimalized by the swift action of the US government, particularly that of FEMA. It is too bad that agents from FEMA were unable to respond in a timely manner because they were unable to break out of their duct tape cocoons until days afterward. Thus the result was that tens of oil refineries and derricks were unable to be saved, and is for this reason Hurricane Katrina was such a tragedy.
[edit] Milwaukee Brewers Playoff Drought (1982 AD-2008 AD)
One of the greatest droughts in United States history ironically occurred in a state with 15,000 fresh water lakes. The damage done during this drought is unignorable. This drought cost the managerial lives of 8 managers, one stadium, and the baseball apathy of an entire state.
Lessons can be learned from this sorry team that can be applied to the nation as a whole. First off, this drought taught everyone what occurs when something isn't properly funded. Whether it is a baseball team, a bridge, or a War in Iraq, if it isn't properly funded, it will fail. Secondly, an image change can be all to important to get something on the right track. For the Brewers it was a new logo, for the nation it could be something as simple as all the liberals in this country to stop whining.
[edit] End of the World (Date and Time Unknown)
- See main article: The End of the World
The End of the World could be considered to be the last and greatest Act of God. Although many have tried, none (that we know of...) of their predictions has come to true. Only God the Father knows for sure when it will occur.
What is know for sure is how it will happen. The end of the world begins with the Rapture, in which all good Christians Catholics will be called into Heaven-so it is most important that you are at all times somewhere where God can see you. Next the remaining heathens will rally behind the leadership of the Colbear only to be defeated later by Jesus. Earth is then destroyed, and those not in heaven are directed to go to hell.
[edit] See Also
